Meet Brownie...

Meet Brownie.

He came into my life about 35 years ago. He has been through just about everything imaginable with me. Check out his eyebrows and his nose and his eyes and the wear and tear around his old mouth. He is showing his age. My Momaw sewed his eyebrows and his nose back on more than once.

I was downstairs in Leggett on Main Street with my mom when I was only about four years old. I actually remember this. I can almost see how the store was set up. Isn’t it funny what we remember? This little brown dog was sitting on top of a rack of children’s clothing. I fell in love with him. I can’t remember if my mom bought him for me or if we ended up going back after him on a subsequent trip, but Brownie came home with me. I wanted a real puppy from the time I can remember but I got Brownie until I was old enough for a real puppy.

Brownie was my buddy. I am an only child, so loneliness was something I struggled with. I had lots of neighborhood friends to play with and was socialized well, but it’s still not the same as having a sibling in the house. Brownie was my playmate when I was young and as the years progressed, Brownie developed a different persona.

My dad and I have always been really close. We may have a lot of differences, but I would say our hearts are the same. I was a very shy child—an introvert. I bottled a lot of things up and it has always been like pulling teeth to get things out of me. I would say I still have many of the same attributes. I have turned to writing for as long as I can remember because that’s the easiest way for me to get my feelings and thoughts to make sense.

My mom and dad fought a lot when I was growing up. I’m not writing tonight to blast my parents. It’s just a reality. They’re divorced now and should’ve done it way before they did, but life is tough and you do the best you can and when you know better, you do better. My mom and dad fighting was just one of the many childhood stressors—we all had stressors of some sort. When I would get all tucked in for bed, my dad would come in and sit on the edge of the bed and say prayers and he would make Brownie “talk.” And he used his voice but made it a super high pitched voiced and Brownie would talk to me about things that might be bothering me. Brownie has talked to me about my parents, broken hearts, girl drama, and a million other things that I can't even remember. What I remember is that I could talk to Brownie about things and open up when I couldn’t talk to anyone else. It was genius parenting and I have no idea where my dad learned that or if it was a complete fluke. Regardless, it worked.

Papi and I have been spending a lot of time together this week. He is really trying to take care of his mom. Tonight he made me popcorn and apple juice—my favorite lately. He has become really protective of me. Tonight he went to his room and got Brownie. (I passed Brownie down to him a few years ago.) Brownie did a lot of whispering in my ear tonight. He told me to tell Papi that he is doing a wonderful job of caring for his mom. He told me to tell Papi that he doesn’t have to worry about mom because she is going to be just fine.

And just like that…Brownie…a little stuffed dog is once again bringing love and comfort. I have no idea what my mom paid for that little brown down in Leggett but I assure you that it was worth every penny.

-lightningbug

Morning Musings...

Saturday, June 4, 2016. 

I had chemo last Tuesday. The chemo I am taking now is called Taxol. It’s supposed to be easier than the first four rounds and I guess maybe it is in some ways. Taxol has its own set of challenges, however. You’ll remember last time I told you about my intense muscle and joint pain. My oncologist said he was afraid I might experience that and he seems to see it more with younger women. He felt that the second one wouldn’t be as bad. And so far the second one hasn’t been as bad but when I hear “I don’t think this one will be as bad” I actually hear “I think you will feel so great that you will be able to go out and jump hurdles!” Not exactly what he meant apparently. Last night it started to hit me and today it has continued to hit me. I ached from about 3 am up until I got out of bed at 7. I ran a hot bath and put some muscle soaking salt in there and hopefully it will help. In addition to my legs aching, I also am getting these shooting pains in my head. That’s always fun. Sigh. As if it’s not enough to have cancer, then you get to think you’re also having an aneurysm! Ah. Good times! I hate not being able to get up and do what I want. It’s definitely frustrating. I know I will feel better by Tuesday if I can make it through these next couple of days—it’s just getting through the yucky days.

The other thing that is annoying these days is my tasters are completely off. I have no appetite. You have to eat when you have cancer because you need your nutrients and your strength yet I want nothing right now. Get this. I haven’t even drank coffee for three days. I have been drinking apple juice because it tastes good to me. That is just plain insanity right there! And I’m hungry! I sit around and think hmm, wonder what I could eat that would taste good to me? Last week it was watermelon. I had an ice cream cone yesterday and even that didn’t taste good to me. It’s frustrating. I can’t wait to taste again. I love food and coffee and doughnuts—you know I haven’t had a doughnut in probably two months? That’s just crazy talk! 

Safe to say I'm pretty sick of having cancer. I’m just over it. It sucks. And then I feel guilty because I think of all the people who have an illness that won’t ever be over—it will be a constant fight forever. Rest assured my fight is not all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes I have dark clouds and thunder just like everybody else. I just try not to let it stick around very long.

I am having some neuropathy—my fingertips are numb and tingly. I had this after the last treatment but it went away before I took the second treatment. And I am so tired. I worked Thursday and I came home and I went to bed at 5pm. I was just absolutely zonked. That usually seems to get better by Tuesday so that gives me a week of feeling decent before it’s time to go back. The good news is I only have to go back two more times! My next chemo is on my 39^th birthday! They offered to reschedule it but the truth is that knocking out one more chemo is the best birthday present I can get. After that one I will only have ONE MORE!!!

I think I have explained the process, but several have asked so maybe I haven’t. After I finish my chemo (last week in June), I will rest for a period of four to six weeks. That just pretty much gives my body time to chill out and get ready for another hit. I will go back to see my breast surgeon after I finish chemo and she will check things out and then get things rolling to set up my surgery (should be August.) The surgery will be done with my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon and will be about a four hour surgery.  I am having a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. What does that mean? Both boobs are going adios and they are putting in a balloon like device behind the muscle that they can access to fill with a salt water solution every week or two. That will allow everything to stretch over time and then in about three months after that surgery, I will have another surgery to remove the balloon device and have silicone implants inserted. There’s a chance more surgeries will be required but I am being optimistic that everything will go great.

The surgery in August will be the hardest part of all of this. I will be out of commission for a couple of weeks and knocked out on some strong pain meds. I don’t look forward to that because I am a bit of a control freak and I have NO IDEA how life will POSSIBLY go on without me for two weeks (think highly of yourself much, Amanda??) Gotta do what you gotta do I suppose.

Now that I have told you how I’m feeling and what the next few months hold, I have to tell you about the FUN upcoming stuff! And there is all kinds of fun stuff!

Our baseball team has a tournament in Myrtle Beach in July! I wasn’t sure I would be able to go after my diagnosis, but I should be good to go! I'm so excited! Rest and relaxation, salty air and sunshine = best medicine for Amanda. Anybody who knows me knows that is my 100% happy place.

The Battn’ for Boobies Softball tournament that my friends have organized will be July 23 at Jackson River Sports Complex (get registered if you haven’t!) It's way more than just a softball tournament so even if that isn't your thing, be sure to come down and hang out with us!  

The Covington Lumberjacks are having a breast cancer awareness night on July 26! Be sure to come out for that!

And last but not least, I am having a Bye Bye Boobies party at The Rail on Friday, July 29. I have had the most AMAZING SUPPORT throughout this journey and this is my chance to say thank you to everyone. Be sure to come to The Rail and bid my boobs a fond farewell…a Boob Voyage…Ta-Ta to the Ta-tas. More to come on that later!

If I could only figure out how to bottle up the support that this community has shown me, I would give it to every person who is battling cancer. You all have done more for me than I can ever express.

-lightningbug

Everybody needs a Waylon in their life...

Last weekend we had our annual Memorial Day Crushers’ baseball tournament in Richmond. I wish I could tell another story like I did about our tournament last year when we came from behind on Saturday and won the thing on Sunday Click here to read that story but unfortunately it just wasn’t in the cards. We lost the first game on Saturday, won the second, lost the first on Sunday and then won the second. We didn’t hit the ball…it just wasn’t our best or favorite tournament. Better Crushers days ahead!

During the first game, I sat out in the grass behind centerfield with my friend Melody.

Sorry, I can't say centerfield without listening to this song! Enjoy!

I’m more sensitive to sun right now, so for that game I watched from out there under some shady pine trees. While we were sitting out there, Melody told me a story about their trip to King’s Dominion. (Several of the Crushers and families hit King’s Dominion on Friday before the tournament.) My kids went but Kevin and I stayed behind—I knew I wasn’t up to all that walking with my fatigue right now and I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tempt fate getting on the Dropzone. I am already beating one thing that’s trying to kill me, I probably ought to stick with one thing at a time.

Well Mel told me that they got on the Flight of Fear coaster. She was riding with her son Eli and one of our kid’s dads was riding behind them. Eli was scared to death and Mel was trying to ease his fears by doing what most people would do…in that watchful mom voice she told him it was going to be just fine and she was right there and he was safe and yet he still was scared to death. Well Waylon (Campbell) must’ve heard what was going on and after the thing took off, he raised up his hands and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Wooooo Hooooo Eli! Isn’t this GREAT? This is so much fun!”  Well lo and behold if Eli didn’t become fueled by Waylon’s excitement and optimism and he must’ve thought hmm…maybe this is fun after all…and from that point on it was all smiles.  Melody couldn’t believe it.

As soon as she told me that story I told her that I had to write about it. That story immediately reminded me of life. How many times in life do we face scary things…unknown things…things that we aren’t sure whether we want to try because it’s a leap of faith or things we have to do because we have no choice? 

When I made my note to tell this story, the text I sent myself was “Everybody needs a Waylon in their life.” Everybody needs someone that can recognize when you are fearful or struggling and then stand next to you, throw their hands up in the air and scream “Isn’t this great?! Isn’t this fun?" Do you know I have fun when I go to chemo? True story. There hasn't been one single time that I haven't laughed and smiled and made someone else laugh or smile. Chemo isn't fun, cancer isn't fun but in all things, we have an opportunity to make the best of the hands we are dealt.

If you don’t have a Waylon in your life, then maybe you could start being a Waylon. If you see someone struggling…throw your hands up in the air and holler “Isn’t this great!”

I have learned so much throughout my journey over the last four months. I have so many people standing with me fighting this battle and so many of them are very similar to Waylon. No, nobody is hollering exactly, “Isn’t this great” as I’m going through this but rather, they are saying “We got this!”  

I went down to the ballpark last night to pick up Papi (he was watching a ballgame with Waylon and Kelly and the rest of the gang!) This is probably the first time I have been among so many people in one place that I know since I was diagnosed. And I didn’t have my wig on or a hat or anything else. I just had my sparse blonde spikes which I am rocking a lot more now since it has warmed up. I don’t always feel confident when I’m out in public without something on my head. I know strangers sometimes glance a little too long and I would be lying if I said that didn’t make me feel a little weird sometimes.

There are strangers...and then there are my friends. I walked in that ballpark and my friends made me feel like a rockstar! You would’ve thought I got out of limo at the sidewalk instead of the 1996 Honda. So many people ran up to me and hugged me and told me how great I look and told me how I was kicking ass and told me that they would never in a million years know that I had chemo just a couple hours ago if they didn’t know! And as I looked around, I saw pink Team Amanda bracelets everywhere I looked. All I could think as I looked around is although you all didn’t literally have your arms up in the air hollering “Isn’t this great”, by supporting me in the way you do, you have lessened my fears and anxiety in ways you may never understand.

Through this journey I have had so much support from friends and family, from people who do not even know me, from ladies who have gone through this and have helped and encouraged me, from my nursing staff, from schools, ball teams and churches. You all are being Waylons. You turn my fear and anxiety into excitement and hope. You turn my bad days into good days.

I have two more chemos! TWO MORE! Can y’all even believe it?!

#wegotthis

-lightningbug

Looks Can Be Deceiving...

Today I changed my Facebook profile picture to a pic I took on Friday. I was feeling good that day. I had on a cute outfit, I had on my short blonde wig, the sun was shining on my aviator sunglasses wearing face and I had on just the right shade of lipstick to make my teeth look like they were just professionally whitened. I was feeling good.

Friday evening I started feeling less great. My legs began to feel achy and I just wasn’t feeling like my Friday morning profile pic self. Riley was running at Botetourt and I wanted to be there so bad and I just couldn’t make it. I crashed that night and when I woke up the next morning, I was determined to make it to day two of the track meet. I got up and showered and my muscles were aching so bad and I was so weak that I could hardly make it from the bed to the bathroom and back. I was still determined to go to the track meet because I felt like I had let Riley down the day before. He qualified for regionals on Friday with an 11:14 time in the 2 mile, shaving 23 seconds off of his previous PR. I showered and put my bathrobe on and got back in bed. I was so weak that I wasn’t sure how I was going to do this. Kevin came in and told me that I needed to stay home and rest and that he and Natalie would go to the track meet and Riley would understand. I knew Riley would understand because he came in on Friday night and asked me how I was feeling and he told me if I wasn’t up to it, to stay home and rest on Saturday. He’s such a good kid and I’m so proud of him. I wanted to be there so bad—on both days. This has been one of those weekends that I have been really mad at cancer. I have tried to keep a good attitude the entire time and roll with the punches, but this weekend, I felt defeated. I stayed home on Saturday and I slept most of the day. I got up and got in the hot tub at one point because I thought it would make my muscles feel better (the hot water seems to help) and I almost fell asleep and then I had to figure out how to muster up enough energy and leg strength to get myself out of the hot tub and back in the house. It probably wasn’t the best idea for me to have even got in the hot tub when nobody was home yesterday, but I wanted to feel better. Along with the muscle pain and weakness, I did the hot and cold thing. That has been an ongoing cancer thing. I asked Dr. K about it last week and he said that is normal. One minute I am burning up and the next minute I am freezing. I go from a cami and shorts to full blown fleece mitten pajamas and fuzzy socks—and back and forth and back and forth. One minute I want hot chocolate and the next minute I want a popsicle. I was asleep most of the day until about 1 pm. My dad came down and sat with me for a couple of hours and Lord only knows what I said to him because I was kind of out of it! Ha! I know he was so worried about me. He just wants to be able to fix all of this and the parent in him feels really helpless when I am just laying on the sofa in pain. He wanted me to call the doctor, but I told him that the muscle pain was a side effect that I was warned about and I may just have to deal with it. Last night I decided to go lay down around 7 pm and the next thing I knew, I woke up and looked through the crack in the blinds and it was dark outside! It was 9pm! I didn’t mean to sleep that long! I woke up and wanted a lime Mister Misty from the Dairy Queen. Do they even make those anymore? Apparently I was transplanted back 20 years ago during that nap! I got up and asked Kevin to go to Whitey’s and get me a slushie and he thought I had lost my mind. I’m sure he would’ve gone if I would’ve pressed the issue, but I settled on a popsicle and called it a day. I slept all night minus the hot and cold thing and woke up feeling much better today. I am still pretty weak but I don’t have that horrible shooting muscle pain that I had yesterday.

So what’s the point of today’s blog?

Looks can be deceiving. I posted that bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Facebook profile pic this morning and if you didn’t know I had been in bed for practically 24 hours straight, you wouldn’t have known. I look fine. For the last two days as I have been suffering from the muscle pain and weakness, I have had those with MS on my mind so very much. Yes cancer sucks, but hopefully after I endure three more chemo treatments and two surgeries, I will start to recover. I will get better. I had horrible muscle pain and weakness but it will get better. I will be able to be at the track meets next year—I will hopefully get increasingly better and stronger, not increasingly worse and weaker. I can’t even begin to tell you how frustrating it has been to want to get up and walk and to be unsure whether my legs are going to hold me or if they are going to buckle underneath me. My thoughts and prayers go out to those suffering with MS—how difficult and completely frustrating it must be to be living in a body that looks fine on the outside, but is far from fine on the inside. I wish no one had to endure MS and I hope and pray a cure will be found soon.

-lightningbug

Nothing Will Ever Really Be the Same...

Today was Chemo Day number five. My chemo regimen consists of four rounds of drugs Adriamycin and Cytoxan and four rounds of a drug called Taxol (total of eight treatments every other week for a total of 16 weeks.) I will finish up at the end of June. I began Dose Dense Taxol today and my biggest fear was an allergic reaction. I was made aware of increased allergic reactions to Taxol. I have prayed and prayed that I wouldn’t have an allergic reaction to this medication. Today I met with my doctor and he seemed pleased with where I was and how I was responding to treatment. He told me that he thought this drug would be much easier on me and also I will no longer have to come in the next day for the Neulasta shot (I sometimes think the Neulasta shot was harder on me than the actual chemo!)

As I sit here and think about what I am feeling and what I want to share, the tears just roll down my cheeks.  I have learned so much over the last few months—about myself, about the human spirit, about generosity and selflessness, about faith, about family and friends, about my community, about cancer and those who are going through it and those who have survived it.  

As with every chemo and every appointment, my best friend has been by my side. Because today’s treatment lasted so long, she had to leave to get her kids from school and I was by myself for a couple of hours. Not long after she left, I missed her! I thought about how lucky I am to have her by my side every step of the way—to listen to my irrational thoughts, to cry with me that one time in the car (yes, we only cried together one time over this), to laugh with me, to ask questions, to insist that the doctors run every test imaginable so I will not worry, to untangle my tubes so I can go to the bathroom, to get me Lay’s and ginger ale, and most of all, to just be there. Always.

There’s a girl who takes treatment on the same day as me and we do not even know each other’s names but when we see each other, we light up and there’s a shared bond that’s really kind of unexplainable. We’re both going through the same thing. I think about how exciting it will be when she finishes and when I finish and we can blow that popsicle stand, but as weird as it sounds, I have spent crucial time with these people and it’s going to be hard to leave them all (the nurses, the staff and the patients.) I have compared fighting cancer to being a soldier and although I don’t know if I am right about this, I suspect that when a soldier gets to go home to his or her family, it’s the most wonderful thing, but at the same time, there’s that same feeling of leaving those you have served alongside through some of the scariest and hardest times of life.

I am 5/8 of the way through this part. I will have my surgery in August and then my second surgery will be in November. I have said that I just want to get this all over with so I can get on with my life and have normal dilemmas once again like what am I going to cook for dinner and who can get the kid from practice tonight. 

While I won’t have to go to chemo every other week or have the side effects or have drain tubes or all the other things that are happening now and in the future, this will now forever be a part of who I am. Nothing will really ever be the same as it was because I am no longer the same as I was. My friendships are deeper, my gratitude is richer, my faith is deeper, my family is stronger, and my priorities are realigned.

I still hate doing dishes and cleaning the toilet. I guess some things are still the same.

-lightningbug

Chemo Brain

Someone said to my dad last week, “I thought Amanda must be feeling bad because she hasn’t written in a while.”  The truth is I haven’t been feeling as good as I was the first six weeks. My allergies have really added to the being worn down thing. I blow my nose around the clock and now I have a cough that sounds like I have the pneumonic plague. Saturday I was showered and dressed and ready to go to a lemonade stand and then on to a birthday party and I started getting chills. I ended up running a fever that day and night. Seems it was probably something viral. It has taken me a few days to bounce back from that.

I’m tired, I don’t focus on things so well, I’m coughing every breath. I know. Sexy. A pajama wearing, forgetful, nearly bald woman with the whooping cough.  And I can't taste anything. Coffee is bland, pepperoni pizza is bland, Fruity Pebbles are bland. Doesn't really matter, I haven't been hungry in a few days anyway. I am making myself eat but the desire isn't really there.

I’m halfway through my chemo. I’m so ready to be done with it all. I’m starting to feel impatient I think. I just want all this to be over with so I can move on with my life. The warm weather has caused me to think about being outdoors and I want to revamp my back patio and I want to get a load of mulch and get my landscaping done. I want to repaint my kitchen cabinets. I have a ton of different projects I’d love to get into, but I just don’t have the energy to do them right now.  And that is very frustrating to me.  I am trying to just listen to my body and go when I feel like going and rest when I feel like resting.

I’m looking forward to the school year finishing up so I can have my kids at home. They will fight and tear the house to smithereens, but I still like having them at home.

I’m tired and this blog was nearly pointless tonight but that’s kind of how I have been for the last week. Hopefully my cough will let up and I will regain a little energy and be back to my usual shenanigans in two shakes of a lamb’s tail!

-lightning bug

Hide it under a bushel, NO!

Last weekend was a great one! The Crushers had a baseball tournament in Christiansburg. Nothing beats baseball weekends and this tournament really got it kicked off! In addition to the Crushers playing, our nephew Alex Griffith, who plays baseball for the Pitt Panthers had a weekend of games at Virginia Tech! We were only able to catch about an hour of Pitt baseball because of our schedule, but what great fun the boys and all of us had!  Our entire Crushers baseball team went over to English Field and Alex and his buddy Tyler Garbee entertained all sorts of questions from our squad.  Our guys were star-struck! I remember having those same feelings when I was a young girl, watching the UVA Women’s Basketball team!

One of our little guys told Tyler that his dream was to play in the MLB and instead of dismissing him or laughing, he replied, “You hold on to that dream.”

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make this ole sappy mom get teary eyed.

Alex reached over the fence and gave me a hug when I got there. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas and I hadn’t received my diagnosis at that time. Alex is our first-born nephew and will always hold a super special place in our hearts. He’s handsome and talented and polite and has a good heart and we are so proud of him.

Later that night, all of the Griffiths (minus Papaw, Riley, and Zackary) were able to meet up for dinner and it was great! Alex brought me a special gift—a baseball signed by the entire Pitt baseball squad!  It’s an absolute treasure to me!

We had a great weekend even though we didn’t bring home any Crusher bling this weekend. Sometimes losses have more lessons packed in them than wins and I think this weekend was one of them.  We had a great devotion on Sunday and once again, I’d be lying if I said this ole gal didn’t have tears streaming down her cheeks.  Funny how just the right message is sent when you are listening.

We finished in third place that weekend and we stopped by the Cracker Barrel for some dinner Sunday evening.  We were doing what we do—goofing off in the gift shop—Kevin was asking the hostess if he ate the candy before we were seated if we had to pay for it. Sigh.  Welcome to my world.  I looked up and a man had kind of circled around me. I was wearing my gray hat that day and he asked, “Is there any particular reason that you have that haircut?” I looked at him, kind of shocked, and replied, “Yes, I have breast cancer.” He looked kindly at me and then he turned his eyes to his wife and held out his hand toward her. He told me his wife also was battling breast cancer.  She had gone through all of her chemo and was now taking Herceptin. The couple was from Franklin County and they had been down in Hampton over the weekend visiting family. The lady and I chatted and it was quite emotional. I’ve said it before that it’s a sisterhood that nobody wants to be part of, but once you are, the bonds are deep—even between two strangers.  We wished one another the best and parted.

The following day, I attended a funeral--the funeral of a good friend’s father. It was a beautiful celebration of life. As the service proceeded, I tearfully took in my surroundings. I watched a son comfort his mother and I watched family members hold one another up. I watched friends gather in support. 

This last week has been a reminder to me of how important human relationships are and how we are created for them. We are created to love.

“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.”― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

This week was a chemo week. Chemo went well. The kids weren't feeling well so I took them to the doctor and Riley has the flu. It’s making things a little more stressful at home this week while we sit on pins and needles in dread that someone else will get the flu.

I went to work today and around 2 pm, I told Deana that I was going to go on home because I could hardly hold my eyes open and I just couldn’t understand why. She laughed and said that it was hilarious to her that I couldn’t understand why I was so tired with everything I have been through.

I have had such a great couple of weeks that I was expecting the rest of this to go just as smoothly. Today everything caught up with me. I was sore from the Neulasta shot and I was dog, dead tired. I went home and took a nap. I know I will have days like these from time to time, but they are frustrating. Tomorrow is a new day. 

-lightningbug

Let's Get This Baby Down the Stairs...

This has been a good week. I had chemo a week ago and that went really well. No nausea and no headaches this time! I have been fighting allergies and sinuses this week but that is something I’ve always done when all the pretty spring flowers start blooming, so that is no surprise! I did get a little nausea when a big stack of EOB’s came rolling in this week. Any guesses on what a round of chemo runs? About $7k/session. Truthfully that is less than I anticpated. Thank God for insurance.

Guess what y’all? I can hardly feel my lump now! That’s what is supposed to be happening and that’s what is happening! After two treatments and I can hardly feel my lump now! It’s totally awesome! 

Yesterday I met with the plastic surgeon to go over the reconstruction process. That was a lot of information to take in. If everything goes as planned, I will have six more rounds of chemo (two more adriamycin-cytoxan) and four taxol and then I will have six weeks of rest. This allows my blood cells to come back into a good, healthy range. After six weeks, I will have a skin sparing, bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Speak English, Amanda, right?!

http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/surgery/mastectomy/skinsparing

That link will explain a little better what is going on. The surgeon removes the skin of the nipple, areola, and the original biopsy scar. The breast tissue is removed through the small pocket.

This is where I need to give a huge shout out to all of the women who have fought this battle before me—and I don’t mean just the breast cancer battle—I  mean the battle to have reconstruction as part of the breast cancer package. Thank you to the valiant warriors who have fought the battle with insurance and lawmakers to make breast reconstruction after mastectomy available.  Thank you.

http://www.breastflap.com/practice/federal-law.cfm

I continue to be blessed in a million different ways. I cry every single day because of the kindness and generosity of my friends and family and sometimes people I don’t even know. It’s amazing. It’s humbling and heart warming.

I think today put me over the 100 mark on cards. And you know what I do with them? I hang them up in my living room. It’s probably starting to look a little tacky but I don’t care. It reminds me of all the love that is surrounding me.

Just some of my awesome cards!

Today I took my son to school. I pulled back in the driveway and I was thinking about how great everything is going. I was thinking about how wonderful everything is going. I thought ok, I have six more treatments and I am doing great with my treatments! Six more treatments and then my surgery and then my next surgery and by Christmas I will be halfway normal again! Then I started thinking, oh my gosh. What if I get through all of this and have my reconstructions and a year or two goes by and I’m feeling great and confident and then I find out the cancer is back?! I was letting my mind go all over the place and I opened the car door and looked at the tree in the front yard and there was my red bird to remind me to shush my crazy thoughts and breathe in the goodness of faith and peace. If I get through all of this and God forbid, that happens, then I’ll get through that, too. But worrying about that is too much to take on. Joyce Meyer says that worrying is paying interest on a loan you haven’t even taken out yet. True story.

To say that I have been overwhelmed with the love and support I have received would be the understatement of the century.  My dogs were all overdue for vet check-ups. When I got sick, everything else got pushed to the backburner.  Well, we received word that there was a confirmed rabies case in a raccoon near us, so I went into mama bear mode and knew I had to get those animals in to see the vet! I thought they were all due for rabies vaccines so I was freaking out. I made the appointment and I NEVER take all four dogs at once. They are all great animals but just like kids, if you try to take all at one time, you can imagine how challenging that is! Well, I was terrified I was going to get that headache I had after the last chemo on Friday, so I took all four animals on Thursday. Thank God for Scarlet Nicely. She met me down there and basically did everything for me. I was little help that day because my dearly beloved Scotty (aka Mangy) decided to jump over my shoulder while I was trying to hold back 150 lbs of Labrador retrievers and take a tour of the greater Selma area. Grrrr. I had a cold. I was grumpy and I had a dog running through Selma. Suffice it to say, I was pissed. I got the labs in the vet and I went back to chase Scotty all over creation while Scarlet took care of my three dogs inside the office. I could see him and hear him but he just wouldn’t come to me. He was exploring.  Finally, he was about 20 feet from me and I tried to approach him and he ran. I stopped and I knelt down and I honest to goodness said, “Ok God, I cannot chase that dog any longer. I need him to walk over here to me so we can get this finished or I’m going to leave his mangy ass in Selma.”  And guess what happened next? He walked right over to me and I picked him up and carried him in.  Not too many minutes later, all dogs got a clean bill of health and all needed shots. When it was time to check out, I was informed that there was no charge today. Either Dr. Emily Graham has a huge heart or she has some good footage of me running through Selma in my snotty nose, toboggan head chasing Scotty that she’s going to hock on the black market! Highlands Veterinary Clinic. She’s the best.

The very next day…

My son Riley is going to the prom. Well let me backtrack. I have said all along that he would decide the week before prom that he was going and expect me to whip out my needle and thread and make him a tuxedo fit for a king.  I have told him repeatedly that he needed to go down and get measured for his tux so it could be ordered.  Finally I texted my friend Erin who owns The Flower Center in Clifton Forge. “What is the deadline for ordering tuxes for prom?” Her answer was “SOON!”  I sent Riley down that day to be measured. I tried to get him to go in between his governor’s school and high school but turns out when you are a 17 year old boy, nothing comes between you and lunch. And I mean NOTHING.  He didn’t have practice that day though, so he went down after school.  I got another text from Erin that said, “Don’t send money. This is on me. I can’t do much but I can do tuxes!”  I honestly just sit back and shake my head. Then I cry. Lots and lots of shaking my head and crying these days.

Someone handed my dad money at his neighborhood watch meeting this week. He told him to give it to me for my expenses.  He told him he didn’t even have to tell me who it was from.  My dad does a lot of head shaking and crying, too.

Yesterday I was cleaning out the fridge—emptying out old leftovers into the garbage disposal.  I had some leftover strawberry sauce and leftover jambalaya and some dessert from Easter (moldy much?)  I’m dumping and hitting the disposal switch and I pulled the cap off of the drain and it’s not draining and I look over and it’s coming into the other side of the sink. I yelled at Kevin and he said “Oh Lord the bathroom sink is full of jambalya!” OMG GROSS!  Let’s just say the chemo hasn’t had my lunch coming up, but scrubbing pulverized jambalaya out of my beadboard with a toothbrush just about did! Well Kevin took everything apart and cleaned out everything and didn’t see anything major. He put everything back together and said, “You should be good to go now.” So I ran some water and it didn’t drain out. Lovely.  So then he sent me to the store for Draino and that didn’t work either. So this morning we were trying to decide how to proceed. Last night I had decided I would probably need to just call a plumber. Kevin is working nights this week and we are out of our normal rhythm (if we ever had a normal rhythm.)  This morning I got up and Tiffany Sanders with Chapman Plumbing had sent me a message that they would be sending somebody out here to fix my clogged drain. Another gift from them to me. More head shaking and crying.

I could go ON AND ON AND ON because you guys have NO IDEA how much goodness has been sent my way.  Not only does all of this humble me and open my heart and comfort me, but it also causes me to reflect on the person I have been and the person I want to be.  I love, I care, but not enough. I want to be BETTER.  I want to be like Tricia Wolfe Meador and Judy Westerman who have sent me a card faithfully every single week since I found out I had cancer.  I want to be like Bron Hendrickson who has texted me every single night since my diagnosis. I want to be like Deana who has been with me to every single appointment I have had. I want to be more giving. And I’m truly going to work on that.

I was at the ballpark this weekend and I was talking to Coach Nolan’s mom, Sandy. We were talking about back in the day when there were just the two fields down there. She pointed over to the tall set of bleachers by the first field and she told me that when Nolan was nine, he fell up in the top of those bleachers and blood was flying everywhere. He broke his front tooth in that fall. She said, “You know I carried him all the way down those bleachers by myself and him that big and I don’t know how in the world I did that.” I said, “You did it because he was your world and you had to do it.”  Call it adrenaline, call it intuition, call it fight or flight. Psalm 139:14 is one of my favorite verses. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  How cool is it that we have that fight built in us?  I think a lot of people going through cancer feel just like Sandy. We wonder how in the world we did that but we are able to do it because that’s the only choice. 

Thank you to everyone who is in my corner. I’m going to get this baby down the stairs. 

Don't WIG out! It's just hair!

I decided I wanted to have a hair shaving party…a wigging…a funeral for my hair and a celebration of what that dead hair means! That dead hair means those drugs are killing my hair and my taste buds and God only knows what else, but they are killing my cancer cells also! I got up this morning and started trying to find the day for the party. I wanted anybody who wanted to be there to be there because you guys have supported me so much! I decided on this Friday. I’d do it down at the church outside and we could have a fire in the fire pit and we would have a big cake and it would say “Don’t wig out! It’s just hair!” Cake makes everything better. And we would have plain Lay’s chips in the yellow bag because they are my LOVE right now and maybe some gourmet pizzas from Little Caesars.  And for the finale, we were going to have a pink balloon launch.

I was so excited. I was even going to make Kevin buy me a fabulous crown and place it on my head (which he would’ve never in a million years done, but in the music video of my life that plays in my head to he is totally doing that and singing “You are so beautiful to me" while wearing Ray Charles glasses.

Focus Amanda.

I had chemo today. Chemo went great. I also met with my oncologist and he told me that my horrible headache last Friday after chemo was probably caused from the Neulasta shot. After I described the pain to him, he explained that because I’m so young (brownie points to him for how many times he kept saying “SO YOUNG!”—I’m putting him in charge of my birthday cake this year! He can write “You are so young and you have amazing bone marrow, Reowr!” He said the Neulasta was like giving my bone marrow five cups of coffee. Yes my oncologist talks to me in coffee terms because he ROCKS! He thinks last time was the worst it will be and he thinks this time will be much better. That will be our prayer this week! Deana came to chemo with me and Dr. K told her to keep me straight. She told that man it was a full time job! The nerve!  On a serious note, Deana is my rock, my soul mate, my everything. She is amazing.  Today we looked at the wig and scarf catalog and made jokes about the weird stuff in those things til I laughed that funny laugh that sounds like I have a bad case of bronchitis! (ain’t nobody got time for that!)

I came home and every time I touched my hair, I had at least a dozen strands in my hand. Reality set in and I knew I wasn’t going to make it til Friday to have my hair shaving party. I would be lucky to have any left by Friday even if I didn’t touch it! Kevin came home from work and I told him that I needed to shave it tonight.

My friend Kim texted and asked if we were going to be home because she had something for me. I told her no because Natalie had a softball game. I told her just to leave it but she said something goes in the freezer. I was thinking chicken pot pie or a lasagna or something. I told her I would leave the door unlocked and for her to go on in and stick in there and that’s what she did.

We went to Natalie’s softball game today (brrr!) and some friends were there with “Team Amanda—friends don’t let friends fight alone” bracelets. How incredible is that?!  

The boys on the baseball team (9&10 year olds) are praying for my healing in the huddle. 

Someone messaged me and told me they had found themselves praying and they had never been one to pray. 

This is the lowest point in my life, yet my heart has never been fuller. The blessings I have received throughout the last two months have been unreal!

I have kept Philippians 4:6-8 on speed dial.

6        Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Verse 6 is the one I have always been familiar with. My grandma loved that verse. Keep it close to you but never forget the THANKSGIVING part!

But verse 7 is WHERE IT’S AT! 
Verse 7 drives it home and gives me what y’all keep calling “inspiration” and “strength” and “great attitude” and all that.

I hear all the time “I just don’t know how you are keeping it together.” 

I want to say (and a lot of times I do!) “HELL! Neither do I! No clue!" 

Verse 7. That’s why.

      

        7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your                  hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

The “peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING.” 

Well then. I’ll take that for $500, Alex.

We returned from the game and had dinner (thanks Meal Train awesomeness!) and I pulled up a chair in the kitchen. I told Kevin I wanted a cape. He pulled out this ridiculous, thin, white cape that looked like a trash bag. I told him I bet it had red pull ties on the back of it. He wasn’t amused but said he had a good cape and went to find it. I got the good cape, which he told me was $10 extra. *rolls eyes* I got my cape on and we were getting ready to begin. The boys ran in and I asked Natalie if she wanted to join in and she began to cry. Oh boy. Maybe God gave me Deana to warm up for Natalie because she too, is my soul mate. She is my heartbeat. She wanted NO PART of the hair cutting. I wasn’t expecting it to hit her like that. She cried and cried and cried. Then I cried and cried and cried. And then Papi cried and cried and cried. And then Kevin said, “What the hell?! Nobody cried one single tear when I lost all my hair!” And then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. Natalie didn’t cut one single strand of my hair and I understand. I’m her mom and she’s my girl and I understand.

The boys on the other hand had a bit too much fun…

They got it buzzed down pretty good for me, so I don't have to worry about hair flying everywhere and in a few more days, even my buzzed off locks will be gone. I'm cool with that though. Gotta kill it to heal it. Guess what was in my freezer? A Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Kim brought me a DQ ice cream cake and she said it was a big fiasco because it wasn't what she wanted but they needed more time for what she wanted but that God kept bugging her to bring me a cake today so she did. I got my cake today. 

If you see me around, I proabably won't look the same way twice. I am outside my comfort zone but I'm planning on calling up some of that Haunted House Bravery!

-lightningbug

The Nose Hair Trimmers…A Cinderella Story

Two years ago we were heading to Myrtle Beach for a family vacation.  The car was all packed up and sitting in the driveway. I hopped in the drivers seat and said, “Let’s Go!” and that’s when all hell broke loose. My husband and I don’t like each another’s driving. He came out and said, “If you are driving, I’m staying home.” I said, “Adios dude. We went last year without you and had a blast. I’m sure we can do it again!” When he realized I wasn’t backing down, he finally sat down in the passenger seat and away we went. There was tension during the trip because of the way it started. It seemed like little squabbles kept popping up between us and between the kids and between us and the kids. It was just a crappy road trip. At one particular point, no one in the car was speaking. About ten minutes went by and all of a sudden, we looked over and my husband was all the way up in the visor mirror with a pair of nose hair trimmers buzzing, pretending to trim his nose hair! 

WHILE WE WERE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD TO THE BEACH!!!

Well you can imagine the laughter that erupted when that happened! We all started laughing uncontrollably and it wasn’t long until we forgot why we were all mad at one another in the first place.

Believe it or not, that is an actual method of conflict-resolution. When used skillfully and respectfully, a little lighthearted humor can quickly turn conflict and tension away. (www.helpguide.org) It allows you to get your point across without getting the other person’s defenses up or hurting his or her feelings. Or in our case, if the fight was silly, it allows you to just move on!

Pulling out the nose hair trimmers certainly doesn’t fix all problems in life, but if we would pull out the nose hair trimmers of life and make each other smile and laugh more and stress each other out a little less, life would be happier.

-lightningbug

You're so vain...You probably think this blog is about you...

Today is one of the days that I have been dreading. I’ve thought about it, read about it and tried to prepare for it. For the last couple of days, I have started to think that my hair is coming out. I am blessed to have a head of amazingly thick hair. It’s nothing for me to have a fistful of hair after I shower. I guess the new growth just fills it all in.  Yesterday at the ball tournament, I frequented the restroom (thanks to a bazillion gallons of coffee I drank) and each time I would wash my hands and look up in the mirror, I would see some hairs on my shoulder or hanging down from my hair.  Today I showered and washed my hair and there was probably triple the amount of hair that normally comes out when I shampoo.  I dried my hair with the dryer and probably an equal amount came out then. Run fingers through hair, ten strands in your hand. You know how you shampoo and condition and then once that conditioner gets through and everything runs clear, no more hairs come out? Well this doesn’t go that way. Hairs keep coming out. I could run my fingers through my hair all day and probably not have any left by the end of the day.  It’s a weird feeling. And I could not shampoo and not blow dry and not fix my hair and keep it a little while longer, but it's still going to come out eventually.

I’m a vain person. I care about how I look. A lot. I know it’s just hair. It doesn’t have anything to do with who I am or what’s in my heart, but I am still going to miss it. I knew it was drying out and becoming brittle last week, so I asked my hairdresser if she would cut it down for me. I knew it was coming. She gave me a cute little hair cut. When my Papi (10 years old) got in the car that afternoon, he didn’t even notice. I said, “See anything different?” He said, “No.” I turned all the way around and pointed out my hair and he said, “Oh! You got a haircut.” Then he said, “I don’t pay attention to your hair, I just pay attention to your face.”

When he said that, it made me think of Peter taking his eyes off Jesus. No he’s not walking on water and no I’m not Jesus, but he is looking to me for guidance and love and direction and confidence. And none of that comes from hair, makeup, clothes, or accessories. All that little boy is looking at is my face…my love...my light—and that light isn’t coming from Maybelline (although I do think Jesus gives his total stamp of approval on a good eyeliner and mascara.)  

Chemo tomorrow. Once that is over, I will have half of the really hard ones knocked out. I'll probably clipper my hair this week. I can't keep up with the dog hair around here, let alone human hair!

Gotta kill it to heal it. #wegotthis

-lightningbug

A little Carly Simon for you Monday pleasure...

Always Take Off The Shin Guards...

Two years ago, our first year together, U-8 travel baseball team went to Richmond to play in a tournament. If memory serves me correctly, this was the third tournament we had played together. When we got to the complex where we played, one of our coaches went around to scope out the other teams. He came back and you would’ve thought he had seen a ghost. He said, “I can’t believe how hard these other kids are hitting the ball.  He said, "I'm not really worried about losing. I'm pretty sure we are going to lose but I am scared to death one of our kids will get hurt out here.”  And thank goodness, none of our boys were hurt, but we got our butts handed to us that weekend. We didn’t win a single ballgame.  The season improved some that year and the boys began to improve and play more as a team.

Fast forward a year. We were in U-9 last year. We went back to Richmond last spring. We played three games on Saturday. Lost the first, won the second, lost the third. It was so disappointing. We played like crap. It was one of those days where if it could go wrong, it did go wrong. Because of our crappy day of ball, we got the grand prize of being in the losers bracket and getting the 8am game [insert extreme sarcasm.]  I remember calling my dad and telling him we would probably be back to Covington by lunchtime on Sunday. Things played out differently though. We beat the Vipers in game one. Then we played the Frozen Ropes and lo and behold if we didn’t beat them, too! I have never seen our parents and fans so excited! It was so intense and thrilling to watch these kids who couldn’t catch a cold or hit the ball a lick yesterday to come back and win two games! I was standing by the fence and our catcher was on deck and we had two outs. He still had his shin guards on. I said “Take those shin guards off! Always take those shin guards off!” Well, he looked at me like I had three heads and the whole team probably thought I was coo-coo.  “Always take the shin guards off!” became my battle cry that day! Our catcher was doing exactly what catchers do. They wait to get their gear off until they know for sure they aren’t going to be going back on the field. That gear is hard work to get on and off and is time consuming! I continued to say “Always take the shin guards off!” What I was trying to convey to these youngsters was to have faith in that guy up to bat. Have COMPLETE FAITH. Have “Take the shin guards off because you're going to get on base and I’m going to bat” faith!

Those boys fought their way through the losers bracket and they played for the silver bracket championship against Tuckahoe Flying Squirrels. And the story could end there and it would’ve still been a great one, but guess what happened next?  We won that game 20-0!  It was such a great day! We had two players who were awarded great accolades by the umpire. It wasn’t just a baseball tournament, it was a weekend full of memories and laughter (not so much laughter Saturday but we tend to always have fun, win or lose), and lessons.  It was a weekend of losing together and winning together, all the while, being of good character and picking yourself and your teammates up when they are down. I can’t think of a greater representation of life.

A month or so ago, our team ordered sweatshirts. My husband came home and asked if I wanted a sweatshirt. I said no but I didn’t tell him why. The reason why I didn’t order a sweatshirt was because I didn’t know if I was going to live to need a sweatshirt.

Yesterday I took my shin guards off and I ordered a sweatshirt. I plan on using it for many years to come.

If you are keeping your shin guards of life on, take them off and trust the one who is ahead of you.

-lightningbug