Round 1...FIGHT!

(Saturday)

This has been a crazy week. This week I began chemotherapy. 

Talk about words you never imagined your 38-year old self saying.

I arrived at the hospital at 10:15 on Tuesday morning. I had my blood work (you have to have blood work before each chemotherapy session to monitor blood counts.) After my finger stick, I went to my chair and sat down. My best friend Deana was with me. The nurse cleaned up everything and began my premeds and then began my chemotherapy. I am taking adriamycin and cytoxan.  Getting my chemotherapy was not the morbid experience that I thought it would be. I had my best friend by my side and we did chemotherapy like we have done everything else in life—with laughter and fun and full of life.  I walked out and was starving and I went for lunch with my dad. I had a BLT and greasy fries—exactly what the nurse told me I shouldn’t have. Oh well. It was yummy. That afternoon, I went to Roanoke to my daughter’s softball game. I felt good and was sure that I was going to knock this chemo crap out of the park. The following day was a good day also. I returned to the hospital for my Neulasta shot. Neulasta is a man-made form of a protein (amino acid) that stimulates the bone marrow and promotes the growth of white blood cells (neutrophils.) White blood cells help your body fight against infection.  After I got my shot, I took off to Salem to the wig shop to pick up my wig. I was still feeling great and energetic. I got my wig and came back home, ate a yummy dinner (the meal train is going to make me a fat girl!) and then headed to Riley’s track meet. I started to feel a little tired as the sun began to go down at the track meet. I went on home and got ready for bed and turned in for the night. 

Thursday I got up and felt a little sick to my stomach. I couldn’t drink my coffee and opted for ginger ale instead. I went to work and didn’t feel horrible but didn’t feel like myself. I came home that afternoon and was so tired so I went to bed. Friday morning I woke up with the most horrible headache. I guess I should backtrack just a little. I haven’t had an actual good night’s sleep since chemo began. The steroids mess with sleep.  Friday morning I woke up (although I had been up and down all night) with a splitting headache. This was like a headache I had never had before. For those of you who have migraines, my heart goes out to you. I have no idea how you endure those things. The headache I had hurt from the back of my head, all the way down to my forehead and to my ears. My eye sockets hurt, my cheeks hurt, my ears hurt and my eyes hurt to open. Everybody was checking on me yesterday and my eyes hurt so bad that I couldn’t look at my phone long enough to return a text. It was bad. I spent most of the day in bed.  I finally got up about 8pm and tried to eat a little (unsuccessful) and then went back to bed and slept all night (although again, up and down, up and down.)  When I woke up today (Saturday), I felt so much better. I still had some traces of a headache, but compared to the last day, I felt like a new woman!

(Sunday)

Saturday was a good day and today was even better! Today I got up at 6:15 am so I could be at the Sunrise Service at 7 am. I knew if my body allowed me to get to church, that it would strengthen me. My body allowed me to get to church and stomach a huge Yeti full of coffee and some yummy pastries at the continental breakfast and go back to the 11:00 service and then home for a yummy Easter dinner prepared by my mother-in-law!  She makes the best potato salad ever and I got to have two helpings today! Yippee!  Today I went with my family to Douthat and I ran around the yard and shamelessly beat the crap out of my youngest child in an egg hunt! It was a great day. And my red birds came by to say hey this evening.

What Cancer (and other storms of life) CAN do:

1. Can restore your faith in God.
2. Can restore your faith in humanity.
3. Can readjust your focus and priorities.
4. Can put you in the path of people you would otherwise never meet.
5. Can put people in your path that you would otherwise never meet.
6. Can make you relatable and inspirational to others and others relatable and inspirational to you.

I'm certainly not thanking cancer for invading my life. It IS an invasion. I didn't invite it, nor do I want it here. Make no bones about that!  I'm going to do this though. I'm going to beat this. Friday was so horrible and I know there will be many of those horrible days ahead, but I'm doing this.
And when cancer or other storms of life invade your life, YOU can do it, too.
It's not always easy or fun but good can and will come out of it.

-lightningbug

In War, There Are No Unwounded Soldiers

Every year before Veterans Day, I always love to put the following message on the church sign:  “In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.” (Jose Narosky) I believe that wholeheartedly.  Even if you go to battle and come home in one piece, without so much as a scratch or bruise on you, you are no longer the same person.

Today was a lazy day for me. I probably should’ve gotten dressed and gone to work, but I was lazy. I stayed in my pajamas most of the day and just rested. I threw a chicken pot pie in the oven and actually had dinner ready when Kevin and Papi got home! I thought Kevin would fall out because I don’t think I have cooked dinner one single time since my diagnosis. I just kind of shut down. Kevin stepped in and started doing EVERYTHING—the laundry, the dishes, the cooking, the cleaning—all of it. I think it’s for two reasons. Number one, he wants me to relax and focus on getting well and number two, if he stays completely busy, he doesn’t have time for any negative thoughts to show up. He’s too tired when he finally sits down to think.

Natalie had a softball game this evening. I hopped in the car and stopped by Whitey’s. I wanted a cup of coffee and the boys wanted some snacks. The lady working at Whitey’s told me she was praying for me. I got back in the car and I thought to myself, “Today I am getting coffee from Whitey’s and tomorrow I am going to be sitting in a chair getting chemotherapy for cancer.” 

Life will never be the same. Even if I walked in tomorrow and they said “You’re cured!” life would never be the same again.

“In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.”

We loaded up and headed to the ballpark. I wrapped up like an Eskimo because it was cold out there this evening! Several friends stopped me and hugged me and told me they were thinking of me and praying for me and that I was going to kick this cancer’s butt. One friend said, “I know you’re sick of hearing this…” No. 

Yes I hear this at every turn, but I am not sick of hearing that you are thinking about me or you are praying for me. I am strengthened by that. I feel like we are all on the same team and standing together!

As the girls stepped up to the plate to bat this evening, one after the other had a pink ribbon on the back of their batting helmet. It puts a lump in your throat and a tear in your eye when you see people supporting you, but especially when you see young people in support of you. And it’s not just me they are supporting. I’m the one with breast cancer, but my kids received the diagnosis also. They have been so strong, but I’m sure they are scared also. Those pink ribbons on that softball team not only support me, but they support my daughter.

Last week, the students at Papi's school and his former elementary school held a hat day for me. They paid $1 to wear a hat and raised money to help with my expenses. I went up to the school that day and it was so amazing. Everywhere I looked, I saw hats. Lump in throat and tears again. They weren’t just supporting me, but they were supporting my 10 year old son. They were standing with me and with him and saying “We are on your team! You aren’t alone! We are fighting with you!”

Tomorrow I go to war. Life as I have known it for the last 29…ok fine…38 years will never be the same. Those three little words robbed me of the security I once felt. Before this diagnosis, I never once thought of my kids growing up without a mother. I never once thought about having a port inside of my body that would be a vessel for chemicals to be pumped through my body in an effort to save my life. Hell, I didn’t even know what a port was before this! I never thought about missing a baseball season because I couldn’t be out in public and around germs. For the last three years, I haven’t let my hairdresser cut more than an inch of my hair off. In the next couple of weeks, I will lose it by the handful until I have none left. After I have 16 weeks of chemicals pumped through my body with side effects that I don’t even want to think about, then I will undergo surgery and have my breasts removed. These are things I never thought about before this war.

“In war, there are no unwounded soldiers.”

Tomorrow I go to battle. I don’t go with an assault rifle and a grenade launcher though, but rather, I go with the complete confidence that God is there waiting on me and he will see me through. I go empowered by the support, love and prayers of my family, my friends, and my community. 

I will fight like a girl. 

I will fight like a woman. 

But most importantly, I will fight with the fury of a mama bear. 

I don’t know any battle cries so I will just have to commemorate one of my all time favorite movies and exclaim “Ya-Ya!”

-lightningbug

We May Not Know What The Future Holds...

Wow, what a couple of weeks!

The ups, the downs, the fear, the blessings…just wow.

Today is March 17. February 17 is when I had my biopsy. Just a month ago—my whole world was completely picked up and shaken in those four short (the longest of my life) weeks.

I never want to feel the way I did those first couple of weeks. I never want anybody to feel like that. My heart has never ached so much in my entire life than it did during that time. The brain is the most incredible organ. It can alter so much. It certainly wasn’t working in my favor those first couple of weeks. My heart kept telling me that God was in control and that this is all part of my purpose and something good WILL come from this, but I had such trouble seeing that for all the fear! Stupid, ugly, horrible, gut-wrenching fear! Boy, can it ever grab a hold of you and dig its nails in!

People keep telling me how strong I am and how positive I am and how I have such faith—I say hogwash! I have failed so miserably with all of that! As my kids have grown, my life has sped up to rocket speed and I put God somewhere behind baseball, getting the laundry done and organizing my boots by height and color. God hasn’t been first in my life lately. But the wild part is that he hasn't put me on the back-burner. He was with me when I got that cancer call, he was with me when I was in the bathroom floor crying, he was with me at that MRI and that bone scan and everywhere else I have been and everywhere else I am going.  He was the first person I cried out to and He could’ve so easily said, “Pssht. Nice try sista. You only called because you needed something” and sent me straight to voicemail. But He didn’t. He sent His love to me in a hundred different ways. He has put hundreds of people in my path to love me and reassure me and hold me up. He has put His stamp on everything that has come my way.

When March rolled around, I picked up an Upper Room devotional book from the church. I always get one but I haven’t read it for a while now. I didn’t have time of course—I mean between a part time job and three busy kids and my Netflix addiction—you can see how there just wasn’t time.  I started reading it again and it has become something that my kids and I look forward to every night. THAT’S something I am proud of. Everything I read from there seems to be tailor-made for me and here are just a few examples:

March 1—“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” –Isaiah 41:10

 March 3—“Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”—Philippians 4:6

March 7—“Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”—Matthew 11:28

March 8—“Why my soul are you so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”-Psalm 43:5

March 13—“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”—Jeremiah 29:11

March 14—“My attitude and actions affect whether I experience God’s blessings flowing freely or as a trickle.”-William George Gosling

March 15—“Dear God, when we want to be first, show us how we can humbly serve others.”—Lisa Bartlet

March 17—“The Lord your God will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”—Zephaniah 3:16-17

As most of you know, I had extreme paranoia that my cancer had spread to my bones because of a coincidental lower back thing that I’ve had going on. Worrying about that consumed my every thought. Yesterday I got the call that my bone scan was clear. I had actually rehearsed this in my mind. I had thought about that call coming in. I had thought about how it would feel for that weight to be lifted off of me. I never could imagine how my mind would be able to grasp and react to anything but good news though. When I got that call, I literally fell to my knees and sobbed and thanked God. I have never felt anything like that.

My friends have set up a “meal train.” They have all got together and they are bringing our family dinner every other day for the duration of my chemo (that’s 16 weeks!)  In just a week, the calendar is practically filled up! Every day I receive cards and gifts and so much love and kindness. I can’t explain what it means to me, yet it is also hard! It’s hard to accept help! I read something the other day that has stuck with me though.  If I don’t accept others blessing me, I am robbing not just myself of the blessings, but I am also robbing them of the joy of serving! So I am going to try to really remember that, even when I feel like everybody is making too much of a fuss over me!

And the meal train is just the tip of the iceberg.  My friends and family are amazing! AMAZING! All kinds of awesome things in the works!

Yesterday I had my port put in. It’s in my chest above my good boob and that’s where they will put the chemo through and draw blood and all that good stuff. As usual, the staff was amazing. I don’t know how you medical people do it, but you guys are awesome! My oldest son Riley took me to Roanoke for the procedure. It warmed my heart so much that he did that for me. This is not something you ever want to endure nor do you want your family to have to endure but I love them so much for stepping up and loving me and taking such good care of me.

Riley and I went to the wig shop yesterday morning. Can you just imagine a 17 year old boy sitting in a wig shop watching his mom try on wigs?! Well he did. He rocks. And I have a fabulous wig ordered. You didn’t think this cancer thing was going to make me have bad hair did you?!?!

Tomorrow is a CT scan and an echocardiogram and next week I begin chemotherapy. I am scheduled for eight rounds, every other week and then six weeks of rest and then a bilateral breast mastectomy, possible radiation and reconstruction. I have a long, uphill battle.

I changed the church sign the other day and it says, “We may not know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future.”

True story.

-lightningbug

Back out in the world...the WallyWorld

Today I went out in the world. The Wally World, that is. 

It’s not that I have been avoiding the place, per se, it’s just that Kevin has been doing the shopping for the last couple of weeks to help me out. Today I needed some almond milk for my yummy smoothies so I went to Walmart this morning. Unless you live in Covington, VA or some other little Smalltown, USA, you won’t understand this. Walmart is not only a supercenter for groceries, motor oil and small kitchen appliances, but it is also a social gathering supercenter. If you go to the Walmart, you are guaranteed to see a minimum of ten people you know. That’s just how it is. I was there pretty early though, so the odds were in my favor. It wasn’t really that I didn’t want to see anyone, but rather, that I had barely combed my hair and I hadn’t applied any makeup this morning. I like to look halfway presentable on a normal day, but when you are recently diagnosed with cancer, you want to look great when you go out. You want people to say, “Oh I saw Amanda today and she looked fantastic!” as opposed to “Oh my gosh, I saw Amanda today and she looked like death warmed over.”

When I walked in Walmart, I hadn’t even made it to get my buggy and there was a breast cancer survivor who had reached out to me not long after my diagnosis. She gave me a hug and asked how I was and she said, “Now you’re going to have to get used to this. You have to come out and people are going to see you and you will be just fine.” Of all the people for me to run into as soon as I darkened the non-pearly gates of the Wallyworld. Coincidence my hiney. She was placed in my path. As I went through the store, I ran into a couple more people who grabbed me and hugged me. Having people care about you…knowing people are praying for you…it’s the best feeling in the world when everything around you is in limbo.

After I finished up in Wallyworld, I thought hmmm, I’m going to go over to Burger King because my dad has breakfast at BK almost every morning. You know the Tim McGraw song "Live Like You We're Dying?"  There's a line that says, "All of a sudden going fishing, wasn't such an imposition..." That line of that song has played in my mind since being diagnosed. I am not planning on dying but when you receive life-changing news, things that seemed inconvenient or unimportant suddenly aren't anymore. I popped over there and he was there so I sat down with him and had a cup of coffee. I ran into another lady who wasn’t a cancer survivor but had an awesome story of how God had completely healed her not once, but twice. I’m talking she was prepped for surgery and they went in and what they thought was there was no longer there. Miracles happen.

I told my dad last night that I wanted to get a bird feeder so the red birds would come back to see me. When I sat down today, he said he started researching last night to see what the cardinals liked to eat and what kind of feeders they liked. My daddy. He is something else. He was going to Tractor Supply after breakfast to get me a feeder and the right kind of seed (cardinals like sunflower seeds, cracked corn and millet.) You should go get you a bird feeder and seed if you don’t have one. I always thought I had enough animals to feed and I didn’t have time for the birds, but there is something so peaceful about birds. And just like everything else that hasn’t been a coincidence; the “fight song” that I picked for this battle is “Fly” by Maddie & Tae. 

Click here to see Maddie & Tae performing Fly at Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt

I found out on Friday morning, February 19^th that I have breast cancer. It hasn’t even been two weeks.  In those almost two weeks, I have had 13 breast cancer survivors contact me. Each one of those beautiful, awesome ladies has given me something different. I am now in this exclusive club that I didn’t want to ever join, but I am now a card carrying member. It’s like a sorority and those 13 ladies (and counting because I know more will emerge) are my big sisters who look after me and help me every step along the way. They have been through it and they know. They have cried the same tears and they have stayed up at night with the same worries. They understand. And when I make it through to the other side, I too, will be somebody’s big sister.

The Saturday after I found out, I was out walking. It was a beautiful afternoon. A friend messaged me and said, “My sister has been through this and if you ever want to talk to her…” Little did I know that this person would become my biggest cheerleader. Then last night, I was put in the path of a triple negative survivor. Nobody wants to have this common bond. None of us wanted to get cancer. But we did and good CAN come from it. We can be a light to one another—people who would have never been put in my path if not for this are now there. Good WILL come from this. I’ve already seen it so many times in just a short time.

I have received cards and calls and texts and gifts and food and emails (hundreds of emails!) I have the BEST team behind me. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. Your love overwhelms me and sustains me.

-lightningbug