On Saturday, July 23, the best friends a girl could have came out to play softball and support my cancer battle. I couldn't let them do all that for me without telling them what they all meant to me, so I said these words to them before the tournament got started:
February 19 is when I got the call. It was a
Friday morning about 10 am. I was standing at my kitchen counter when the call
came. The doctor said, “Unfortunately…” He really didn’t need to say anything
after that.
I don’t think anybody expects to have a cancer
battle on their hands at 38 years old.
I went to see a genetics counselor soon after
that and I found out that my specific type of breast cancer is something called
triple negative breast cancer. The short version of that is that the drugs that
are often used to treat breast cancer won’t work on me. Triple negative makes
up 10-20% of breast cancers and has a lower 5 year survival rate compared to
other breast cancers. That appointment with the genetics counselor was probably
the hardest appointment for me. There was so much information and it was TOUGH
information—information that I didn’t want to hear. I was so overwhelmed and
discouraged and truly terrified.
I told my family and close friends that
weekend and I knew my name was about to go on prayer lists around the community
on Sunday morning and while I welcomed that completely, I wanted the news to
come from me.
That
Saturday, I wrote my first breast cancer blog that I called “In a World of
Eeyores, be a Tigger.”
I ended that blog with the phrase “We got
this” which came to be my mantra throughout this journey. WE got this—not me,
but WE. My family, my friends, my community, complete strangers, a little of me,
and above all, God.
I have been called a hero and strong and brave
and all that and that’s totally sweet but I don’t believe I am any of those
things. I am just a girl who loves her life and wants to do whatever it takes
to stay here for as long as I possibly can. You may not know it right now, but
you would do the same thing.
Since the beginning, I have said “This is part
of my journey.” It has taken my strength, my money, my peace of mind, my tears,
my hair, my taste buds—and on August 10, it will take my breasts.
And all that stuff really stinks and I could
choose to be angry or sad about those things, and occasionally I AM sad about
those things.
But what I wanted to tell you about today is
not what cancer has taken from me, but what it has given to me. Sounds crazy,
huh?
The Saturday that I wrote that first blog, I
got a Facebook message from a friend. I was up at Edgemont school walking that
day. I felt great. I didn’t feel like I had cancer. It was a crisp February
day, a sunny day after a week of heavy snow. My friend wrote to tell me that
her sister was a breast cancer survivor and if I ever wanted to talk to her,
that she was sure she would be willing to talk to me. I gave her sister a
friend request that day and she has been there for me just like a big sister
from that day on. So many breast cancer survivors have reached out to me
throughout the last five months.
I have received hundreds of cards and just as
many emails since my diagnosis and they have been a tremendous source of
encouragement for me. I always laughed when people would say “I know you’re
probably sick of hearing this…” No. I never have gotten sick of hearing that
you are supporting me and praying for me and cheering me on.
I have been given so many gifts! Holy cow! You
guys have been so generous to me and I appreciate it more than I can ever tell
you! Money, meals, services, all sorts of care packages, along with so much
love. You all are incredible.
My best friend and soul mate Deana has been
with me the entire way. She has cheered me on and she has dried my tears. She
has been with me to every appointment, she has prayed with me and she has
cussed with me. She has never left my side.
My husband and my kids and my parents and my in-laws and my neighbors and so many of you have gone above and beyond and I am
so grateful to you all.
I hate wearing shirts that show my port. You
would think a mother would be a source of confidence and empowerment for her
daughter, but the opposite has been true. Natalie has been there time after
time to tell me that I am beautiful even with no hair and an ugly port sticking
out of my chest. My boys have been so
protective of me and have chipped in to help with whatever I needed.
Kevin has had to be mom and dad at times. He
has taken over most of the chores at home on top of everything else. I jokingly
call him Hazel the housewife.
You all get to read about twinkling, happy
lightning bug and He has had the misfortune of catching grumpy, weak, barely
twinkling lightning bug on so many occasions. I am grateful for his love and
patience.
You would never believe this, but sitting in a
room full of people getting chemo was a blessing. You will be hard pressed to
find better people than the ones you encounter in the chemo room. It is truly a
humbling experience. My oncology nurses were absolutely incredible. I believe
wholeheartedly that people have been strategically placed in my path throughout
the last five months—I think that’s one of the coolest things God has done for
me. The people I have encountered haven’t been by chance. They were meant to
cross my path.
You know…You don’t have to have cancer to slow
down just a little and breathe in what is all around you. That Saturday that I
told you I was walking up at the school—I took pictures that day of the water
and the birds and the sky. It all looked so very different to me. I had
different eyes that day. I have become a lot more in tune with the simple
things since the big C came along.
That Friday morning in February, I was so
nervous as I awaited my biopsy results and that was the day that my daughter
said “Hey mom, come look at these birds!” I walked to the front door and the
cardinals were perched in my maple tree. Two cardinals—a male and a female.
When I looked out there I smiled and this peace that I can’t even describe came
over me. Natalie went to school and I pulled out my laptop and googled, “what
does it mean when a cardinal visits.” This is exactly what I found when I
looked it up, “A cardinal is a representative of a loved one who has passed.
When you see one, it means they are visiting you. They usually show up when you
most need them or miss them. They also make an appearance during times of
celebration as well as despair to let you know they will always be with you.
Look for them, they’ll appear.”
I lost my grandparents in 2013 & 2014. I
was super close to them and I know in my heart who sent those red birds.
I urge you today to look for the cardinals…not
just the cardinals but to look at the beauty of nature and your children and
the dew on the grass and everything around you with grateful eyes. I promise
you that will make a difference in your life.
This week I started thinking about how to
convey to you all what you have meant to me throughout this journey. I hopped
in the shower one day and I heard the childhood chant from the game Red Rover
going through my head. Remember that game? You would stand side by side with
one another and link hands and call for someone to come over? Red rover, red
rover, send Johnny on over. And Johnny would come barreling through trying to
break the links and penetrate the line. Sometimes he would make it and
sometimes he wouldn’t. It all depended on how tight those links were. Cancer
made it through those links and invaded my body. Then all of you all—my friends
and my family and some people who don’t even know me—came together and
tightened those links and at every turn when cancer tried to get through and
destroy my mind or my spirit, your love has been the strength that has kept
that cancer out. I could not have done this without all of you. You inspire me
every day.
I have completed eight rounds of dense dose chemotherapy
and on August 10 I will have my surgery. If my cancer is gone (which I believe
100% that it is,) my prognosis is in the upper 90% range.
Thank you to everyone who has been a part of
this event and blessings to each of you who have come out to support me!
We got this!
-lightningbug
