Hide it under a bushel, NO!

Last weekend was a great one! The Crushers had a baseball tournament in Christiansburg. Nothing beats baseball weekends and this tournament really got it kicked off! In addition to the Crushers playing, our nephew Alex Griffith, who plays baseball for the Pitt Panthers had a weekend of games at Virginia Tech! We were only able to catch about an hour of Pitt baseball because of our schedule, but what great fun the boys and all of us had!  Our entire Crushers baseball team went over to English Field and Alex and his buddy Tyler Garbee entertained all sorts of questions from our squad.  Our guys were star-struck! I remember having those same feelings when I was a young girl, watching the UVA Women’s Basketball team!

One of our little guys told Tyler that his dream was to play in the MLB and instead of dismissing him or laughing, he replied, “You hold on to that dream.”

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make this ole sappy mom get teary eyed.

Alex reached over the fence and gave me a hug when I got there. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas and I hadn’t received my diagnosis at that time. Alex is our first-born nephew and will always hold a super special place in our hearts. He’s handsome and talented and polite and has a good heart and we are so proud of him.

Later that night, all of the Griffiths (minus Papaw, Riley, and Zackary) were able to meet up for dinner and it was great! Alex brought me a special gift—a baseball signed by the entire Pitt baseball squad!  It’s an absolute treasure to me!

We had a great weekend even though we didn’t bring home any Crusher bling this weekend. Sometimes losses have more lessons packed in them than wins and I think this weekend was one of them.  We had a great devotion on Sunday and once again, I’d be lying if I said this ole gal didn’t have tears streaming down her cheeks.  Funny how just the right message is sent when you are listening.

We finished in third place that weekend and we stopped by the Cracker Barrel for some dinner Sunday evening.  We were doing what we do—goofing off in the gift shop—Kevin was asking the hostess if he ate the candy before we were seated if we had to pay for it. Sigh.  Welcome to my world.  I looked up and a man had kind of circled around me. I was wearing my gray hat that day and he asked, “Is there any particular reason that you have that haircut?” I looked at him, kind of shocked, and replied, “Yes, I have breast cancer.” He looked kindly at me and then he turned his eyes to his wife and held out his hand toward her. He told me his wife also was battling breast cancer.  She had gone through all of her chemo and was now taking Herceptin. The couple was from Franklin County and they had been down in Hampton over the weekend visiting family. The lady and I chatted and it was quite emotional. I’ve said it before that it’s a sisterhood that nobody wants to be part of, but once you are, the bonds are deep—even between two strangers.  We wished one another the best and parted.

The following day, I attended a funeral--the funeral of a good friend’s father. It was a beautiful celebration of life. As the service proceeded, I tearfully took in my surroundings. I watched a son comfort his mother and I watched family members hold one another up. I watched friends gather in support. 

This last week has been a reminder to me of how important human relationships are and how we are created for them. We are created to love.

“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.”― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

This week was a chemo week. Chemo went well. The kids weren't feeling well so I took them to the doctor and Riley has the flu. It’s making things a little more stressful at home this week while we sit on pins and needles in dread that someone else will get the flu.

I went to work today and around 2 pm, I told Deana that I was going to go on home because I could hardly hold my eyes open and I just couldn’t understand why. She laughed and said that it was hilarious to her that I couldn’t understand why I was so tired with everything I have been through.

I have had such a great couple of weeks that I was expecting the rest of this to go just as smoothly. Today everything caught up with me. I was sore from the Neulasta shot and I was dog, dead tired. I went home and took a nap. I know I will have days like these from time to time, but they are frustrating. Tomorrow is a new day. 

-lightningbug

Let's Get This Baby Down the Stairs...

This has been a good week. I had chemo a week ago and that went really well. No nausea and no headaches this time! I have been fighting allergies and sinuses this week but that is something I’ve always done when all the pretty spring flowers start blooming, so that is no surprise! I did get a little nausea when a big stack of EOB’s came rolling in this week. Any guesses on what a round of chemo runs? About $7k/session. Truthfully that is less than I anticpated. Thank God for insurance.

Guess what y’all? I can hardly feel my lump now! That’s what is supposed to be happening and that’s what is happening! After two treatments and I can hardly feel my lump now! It’s totally awesome! 

Yesterday I met with the plastic surgeon to go over the reconstruction process. That was a lot of information to take in. If everything goes as planned, I will have six more rounds of chemo (two more adriamycin-cytoxan) and four taxol and then I will have six weeks of rest. This allows my blood cells to come back into a good, healthy range. After six weeks, I will have a skin sparing, bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. Speak English, Amanda, right?!

http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/surgery/mastectomy/skinsparing

That link will explain a little better what is going on. The surgeon removes the skin of the nipple, areola, and the original biopsy scar. The breast tissue is removed through the small pocket.

This is where I need to give a huge shout out to all of the women who have fought this battle before me—and I don’t mean just the breast cancer battle—I  mean the battle to have reconstruction as part of the breast cancer package. Thank you to the valiant warriors who have fought the battle with insurance and lawmakers to make breast reconstruction after mastectomy available.  Thank you.

http://www.breastflap.com/practice/federal-law.cfm

I continue to be blessed in a million different ways. I cry every single day because of the kindness and generosity of my friends and family and sometimes people I don’t even know. It’s amazing. It’s humbling and heart warming.

I think today put me over the 100 mark on cards. And you know what I do with them? I hang them up in my living room. It’s probably starting to look a little tacky but I don’t care. It reminds me of all the love that is surrounding me.

Just some of my awesome cards!

Today I took my son to school. I pulled back in the driveway and I was thinking about how great everything is going. I was thinking about how wonderful everything is going. I thought ok, I have six more treatments and I am doing great with my treatments! Six more treatments and then my surgery and then my next surgery and by Christmas I will be halfway normal again! Then I started thinking, oh my gosh. What if I get through all of this and have my reconstructions and a year or two goes by and I’m feeling great and confident and then I find out the cancer is back?! I was letting my mind go all over the place and I opened the car door and looked at the tree in the front yard and there was my red bird to remind me to shush my crazy thoughts and breathe in the goodness of faith and peace. If I get through all of this and God forbid, that happens, then I’ll get through that, too. But worrying about that is too much to take on. Joyce Meyer says that worrying is paying interest on a loan you haven’t even taken out yet. True story.

To say that I have been overwhelmed with the love and support I have received would be the understatement of the century.  My dogs were all overdue for vet check-ups. When I got sick, everything else got pushed to the backburner.  Well, we received word that there was a confirmed rabies case in a raccoon near us, so I went into mama bear mode and knew I had to get those animals in to see the vet! I thought they were all due for rabies vaccines so I was freaking out. I made the appointment and I NEVER take all four dogs at once. They are all great animals but just like kids, if you try to take all at one time, you can imagine how challenging that is! Well, I was terrified I was going to get that headache I had after the last chemo on Friday, so I took all four animals on Thursday. Thank God for Scarlet Nicely. She met me down there and basically did everything for me. I was little help that day because my dearly beloved Scotty (aka Mangy) decided to jump over my shoulder while I was trying to hold back 150 lbs of Labrador retrievers and take a tour of the greater Selma area. Grrrr. I had a cold. I was grumpy and I had a dog running through Selma. Suffice it to say, I was pissed. I got the labs in the vet and I went back to chase Scotty all over creation while Scarlet took care of my three dogs inside the office. I could see him and hear him but he just wouldn’t come to me. He was exploring.  Finally, he was about 20 feet from me and I tried to approach him and he ran. I stopped and I knelt down and I honest to goodness said, “Ok God, I cannot chase that dog any longer. I need him to walk over here to me so we can get this finished or I’m going to leave his mangy ass in Selma.”  And guess what happened next? He walked right over to me and I picked him up and carried him in.  Not too many minutes later, all dogs got a clean bill of health and all needed shots. When it was time to check out, I was informed that there was no charge today. Either Dr. Emily Graham has a huge heart or she has some good footage of me running through Selma in my snotty nose, toboggan head chasing Scotty that she’s going to hock on the black market! Highlands Veterinary Clinic. She’s the best.

The very next day…

My son Riley is going to the prom. Well let me backtrack. I have said all along that he would decide the week before prom that he was going and expect me to whip out my needle and thread and make him a tuxedo fit for a king.  I have told him repeatedly that he needed to go down and get measured for his tux so it could be ordered.  Finally I texted my friend Erin who owns The Flower Center in Clifton Forge. “What is the deadline for ordering tuxes for prom?” Her answer was “SOON!”  I sent Riley down that day to be measured. I tried to get him to go in between his governor’s school and high school but turns out when you are a 17 year old boy, nothing comes between you and lunch. And I mean NOTHING.  He didn’t have practice that day though, so he went down after school.  I got another text from Erin that said, “Don’t send money. This is on me. I can’t do much but I can do tuxes!”  I honestly just sit back and shake my head. Then I cry. Lots and lots of shaking my head and crying these days.

Someone handed my dad money at his neighborhood watch meeting this week. He told him to give it to me for my expenses.  He told him he didn’t even have to tell me who it was from.  My dad does a lot of head shaking and crying, too.

Yesterday I was cleaning out the fridge—emptying out old leftovers into the garbage disposal.  I had some leftover strawberry sauce and leftover jambalaya and some dessert from Easter (moldy much?)  I’m dumping and hitting the disposal switch and I pulled the cap off of the drain and it’s not draining and I look over and it’s coming into the other side of the sink. I yelled at Kevin and he said “Oh Lord the bathroom sink is full of jambalya!” OMG GROSS!  Let’s just say the chemo hasn’t had my lunch coming up, but scrubbing pulverized jambalaya out of my beadboard with a toothbrush just about did! Well Kevin took everything apart and cleaned out everything and didn’t see anything major. He put everything back together and said, “You should be good to go now.” So I ran some water and it didn’t drain out. Lovely.  So then he sent me to the store for Draino and that didn’t work either. So this morning we were trying to decide how to proceed. Last night I had decided I would probably need to just call a plumber. Kevin is working nights this week and we are out of our normal rhythm (if we ever had a normal rhythm.)  This morning I got up and Tiffany Sanders with Chapman Plumbing had sent me a message that they would be sending somebody out here to fix my clogged drain. Another gift from them to me. More head shaking and crying.

I could go ON AND ON AND ON because you guys have NO IDEA how much goodness has been sent my way.  Not only does all of this humble me and open my heart and comfort me, but it also causes me to reflect on the person I have been and the person I want to be.  I love, I care, but not enough. I want to be BETTER.  I want to be like Tricia Wolfe Meador and Judy Westerman who have sent me a card faithfully every single week since I found out I had cancer.  I want to be like Bron Hendrickson who has texted me every single night since my diagnosis. I want to be like Deana who has been with me to every single appointment I have had. I want to be more giving. And I’m truly going to work on that.

I was at the ballpark this weekend and I was talking to Coach Nolan’s mom, Sandy. We were talking about back in the day when there were just the two fields down there. She pointed over to the tall set of bleachers by the first field and she told me that when Nolan was nine, he fell up in the top of those bleachers and blood was flying everywhere. He broke his front tooth in that fall. She said, “You know I carried him all the way down those bleachers by myself and him that big and I don’t know how in the world I did that.” I said, “You did it because he was your world and you had to do it.”  Call it adrenaline, call it intuition, call it fight or flight. Psalm 139:14 is one of my favorite verses. “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.”  How cool is it that we have that fight built in us?  I think a lot of people going through cancer feel just like Sandy. We wonder how in the world we did that but we are able to do it because that’s the only choice. 

Thank you to everyone who is in my corner. I’m going to get this baby down the stairs. 

Don't WIG out! It's just hair!

I decided I wanted to have a hair shaving party…a wigging…a funeral for my hair and a celebration of what that dead hair means! That dead hair means those drugs are killing my hair and my taste buds and God only knows what else, but they are killing my cancer cells also! I got up this morning and started trying to find the day for the party. I wanted anybody who wanted to be there to be there because you guys have supported me so much! I decided on this Friday. I’d do it down at the church outside and we could have a fire in the fire pit and we would have a big cake and it would say “Don’t wig out! It’s just hair!” Cake makes everything better. And we would have plain Lay’s chips in the yellow bag because they are my LOVE right now and maybe some gourmet pizzas from Little Caesars.  And for the finale, we were going to have a pink balloon launch.

I was so excited. I was even going to make Kevin buy me a fabulous crown and place it on my head (which he would’ve never in a million years done, but in the music video of my life that plays in my head to he is totally doing that and singing “You are so beautiful to me" while wearing Ray Charles glasses.

Focus Amanda.

I had chemo today. Chemo went great. I also met with my oncologist and he told me that my horrible headache last Friday after chemo was probably caused from the Neulasta shot. After I described the pain to him, he explained that because I’m so young (brownie points to him for how many times he kept saying “SO YOUNG!”—I’m putting him in charge of my birthday cake this year! He can write “You are so young and you have amazing bone marrow, Reowr!” He said the Neulasta was like giving my bone marrow five cups of coffee. Yes my oncologist talks to me in coffee terms because he ROCKS! He thinks last time was the worst it will be and he thinks this time will be much better. That will be our prayer this week! Deana came to chemo with me and Dr. K told her to keep me straight. She told that man it was a full time job! The nerve!  On a serious note, Deana is my rock, my soul mate, my everything. She is amazing.  Today we looked at the wig and scarf catalog and made jokes about the weird stuff in those things til I laughed that funny laugh that sounds like I have a bad case of bronchitis! (ain’t nobody got time for that!)

I came home and every time I touched my hair, I had at least a dozen strands in my hand. Reality set in and I knew I wasn’t going to make it til Friday to have my hair shaving party. I would be lucky to have any left by Friday even if I didn’t touch it! Kevin came home from work and I told him that I needed to shave it tonight.

My friend Kim texted and asked if we were going to be home because she had something for me. I told her no because Natalie had a softball game. I told her just to leave it but she said something goes in the freezer. I was thinking chicken pot pie or a lasagna or something. I told her I would leave the door unlocked and for her to go on in and stick in there and that’s what she did.

We went to Natalie’s softball game today (brrr!) and some friends were there with “Team Amanda—friends don’t let friends fight alone” bracelets. How incredible is that?!  

The boys on the baseball team (9&10 year olds) are praying for my healing in the huddle. 

Someone messaged me and told me they had found themselves praying and they had never been one to pray. 

This is the lowest point in my life, yet my heart has never been fuller. The blessings I have received throughout the last two months have been unreal!

I have kept Philippians 4:6-8 on speed dial.

6        Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Verse 6 is the one I have always been familiar with. My grandma loved that verse. Keep it close to you but never forget the THANKSGIVING part!

But verse 7 is WHERE IT’S AT! 
Verse 7 drives it home and gives me what y’all keep calling “inspiration” and “strength” and “great attitude” and all that.

I hear all the time “I just don’t know how you are keeping it together.” 

I want to say (and a lot of times I do!) “HELL! Neither do I! No clue!" 

Verse 7. That’s why.

      

        7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your                  hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

The “peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING.” 

Well then. I’ll take that for $500, Alex.

We returned from the game and had dinner (thanks Meal Train awesomeness!) and I pulled up a chair in the kitchen. I told Kevin I wanted a cape. He pulled out this ridiculous, thin, white cape that looked like a trash bag. I told him I bet it had red pull ties on the back of it. He wasn’t amused but said he had a good cape and went to find it. I got the good cape, which he told me was $10 extra. *rolls eyes* I got my cape on and we were getting ready to begin. The boys ran in and I asked Natalie if she wanted to join in and she began to cry. Oh boy. Maybe God gave me Deana to warm up for Natalie because she too, is my soul mate. She is my heartbeat. She wanted NO PART of the hair cutting. I wasn’t expecting it to hit her like that. She cried and cried and cried. Then I cried and cried and cried. And then Papi cried and cried and cried. And then Kevin said, “What the hell?! Nobody cried one single tear when I lost all my hair!” And then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. Natalie didn’t cut one single strand of my hair and I understand. I’m her mom and she’s my girl and I understand.

The boys on the other hand had a bit too much fun…

They got it buzzed down pretty good for me, so I don't have to worry about hair flying everywhere and in a few more days, even my buzzed off locks will be gone. I'm cool with that though. Gotta kill it to heal it. Guess what was in my freezer? A Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Kim brought me a DQ ice cream cake and she said it was a big fiasco because it wasn't what she wanted but they needed more time for what she wanted but that God kept bugging her to bring me a cake today so she did. I got my cake today. 

If you see me around, I proabably won't look the same way twice. I am outside my comfort zone but I'm planning on calling up some of that Haunted House Bravery!

-lightningbug

The Nose Hair Trimmers…A Cinderella Story

Two years ago we were heading to Myrtle Beach for a family vacation.  The car was all packed up and sitting in the driveway. I hopped in the drivers seat and said, “Let’s Go!” and that’s when all hell broke loose. My husband and I don’t like each another’s driving. He came out and said, “If you are driving, I’m staying home.” I said, “Adios dude. We went last year without you and had a blast. I’m sure we can do it again!” When he realized I wasn’t backing down, he finally sat down in the passenger seat and away we went. There was tension during the trip because of the way it started. It seemed like little squabbles kept popping up between us and between the kids and between us and the kids. It was just a crappy road trip. At one particular point, no one in the car was speaking. About ten minutes went by and all of a sudden, we looked over and my husband was all the way up in the visor mirror with a pair of nose hair trimmers buzzing, pretending to trim his nose hair! 

WHILE WE WERE DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD TO THE BEACH!!!

Well you can imagine the laughter that erupted when that happened! We all started laughing uncontrollably and it wasn’t long until we forgot why we were all mad at one another in the first place.

Believe it or not, that is an actual method of conflict-resolution. When used skillfully and respectfully, a little lighthearted humor can quickly turn conflict and tension away. (www.helpguide.org) It allows you to get your point across without getting the other person’s defenses up or hurting his or her feelings. Or in our case, if the fight was silly, it allows you to just move on!

Pulling out the nose hair trimmers certainly doesn’t fix all problems in life, but if we would pull out the nose hair trimmers of life and make each other smile and laugh more and stress each other out a little less, life would be happier.

-lightningbug

You're so vain...You probably think this blog is about you...

Today is one of the days that I have been dreading. I’ve thought about it, read about it and tried to prepare for it. For the last couple of days, I have started to think that my hair is coming out. I am blessed to have a head of amazingly thick hair. It’s nothing for me to have a fistful of hair after I shower. I guess the new growth just fills it all in.  Yesterday at the ball tournament, I frequented the restroom (thanks to a bazillion gallons of coffee I drank) and each time I would wash my hands and look up in the mirror, I would see some hairs on my shoulder or hanging down from my hair.  Today I showered and washed my hair and there was probably triple the amount of hair that normally comes out when I shampoo.  I dried my hair with the dryer and probably an equal amount came out then. Run fingers through hair, ten strands in your hand. You know how you shampoo and condition and then once that conditioner gets through and everything runs clear, no more hairs come out? Well this doesn’t go that way. Hairs keep coming out. I could run my fingers through my hair all day and probably not have any left by the end of the day.  It’s a weird feeling. And I could not shampoo and not blow dry and not fix my hair and keep it a little while longer, but it's still going to come out eventually.

I’m a vain person. I care about how I look. A lot. I know it’s just hair. It doesn’t have anything to do with who I am or what’s in my heart, but I am still going to miss it. I knew it was drying out and becoming brittle last week, so I asked my hairdresser if she would cut it down for me. I knew it was coming. She gave me a cute little hair cut. When my Papi (10 years old) got in the car that afternoon, he didn’t even notice. I said, “See anything different?” He said, “No.” I turned all the way around and pointed out my hair and he said, “Oh! You got a haircut.” Then he said, “I don’t pay attention to your hair, I just pay attention to your face.”

When he said that, it made me think of Peter taking his eyes off Jesus. No he’s not walking on water and no I’m not Jesus, but he is looking to me for guidance and love and direction and confidence. And none of that comes from hair, makeup, clothes, or accessories. All that little boy is looking at is my face…my love...my light—and that light isn’t coming from Maybelline (although I do think Jesus gives his total stamp of approval on a good eyeliner and mascara.)  

Chemo tomorrow. Once that is over, I will have half of the really hard ones knocked out. I'll probably clipper my hair this week. I can't keep up with the dog hair around here, let alone human hair!

Gotta kill it to heal it. #wegotthis

-lightningbug

A little Carly Simon for you Monday pleasure...

Always Take Off The Shin Guards...

Two years ago, our first year together, U-8 travel baseball team went to Richmond to play in a tournament. If memory serves me correctly, this was the third tournament we had played together. When we got to the complex where we played, one of our coaches went around to scope out the other teams. He came back and you would’ve thought he had seen a ghost. He said, “I can’t believe how hard these other kids are hitting the ball.  He said, "I'm not really worried about losing. I'm pretty sure we are going to lose but I am scared to death one of our kids will get hurt out here.”  And thank goodness, none of our boys were hurt, but we got our butts handed to us that weekend. We didn’t win a single ballgame.  The season improved some that year and the boys began to improve and play more as a team.

Fast forward a year. We were in U-9 last year. We went back to Richmond last spring. We played three games on Saturday. Lost the first, won the second, lost the third. It was so disappointing. We played like crap. It was one of those days where if it could go wrong, it did go wrong. Because of our crappy day of ball, we got the grand prize of being in the losers bracket and getting the 8am game [insert extreme sarcasm.]  I remember calling my dad and telling him we would probably be back to Covington by lunchtime on Sunday. Things played out differently though. We beat the Vipers in game one. Then we played the Frozen Ropes and lo and behold if we didn’t beat them, too! I have never seen our parents and fans so excited! It was so intense and thrilling to watch these kids who couldn’t catch a cold or hit the ball a lick yesterday to come back and win two games! I was standing by the fence and our catcher was on deck and we had two outs. He still had his shin guards on. I said “Take those shin guards off! Always take those shin guards off!” Well, he looked at me like I had three heads and the whole team probably thought I was coo-coo.  “Always take the shin guards off!” became my battle cry that day! Our catcher was doing exactly what catchers do. They wait to get their gear off until they know for sure they aren’t going to be going back on the field. That gear is hard work to get on and off and is time consuming! I continued to say “Always take the shin guards off!” What I was trying to convey to these youngsters was to have faith in that guy up to bat. Have COMPLETE FAITH. Have “Take the shin guards off because you're going to get on base and I’m going to bat” faith!

Those boys fought their way through the losers bracket and they played for the silver bracket championship against Tuckahoe Flying Squirrels. And the story could end there and it would’ve still been a great one, but guess what happened next?  We won that game 20-0!  It was such a great day! We had two players who were awarded great accolades by the umpire. It wasn’t just a baseball tournament, it was a weekend full of memories and laughter (not so much laughter Saturday but we tend to always have fun, win or lose), and lessons.  It was a weekend of losing together and winning together, all the while, being of good character and picking yourself and your teammates up when they are down. I can’t think of a greater representation of life.

A month or so ago, our team ordered sweatshirts. My husband came home and asked if I wanted a sweatshirt. I said no but I didn’t tell him why. The reason why I didn’t order a sweatshirt was because I didn’t know if I was going to live to need a sweatshirt.

Yesterday I took my shin guards off and I ordered a sweatshirt. I plan on using it for many years to come.

If you are keeping your shin guards of life on, take them off and trust the one who is ahead of you.

-lightningbug