Fill ups...boobs and lamps...

Me: Hey God, I’m really sick of crying and being all down in the dumps and worrying about the stuff that I’m consumed with right now. Could you help me out?

God: Could you shush your brain and your mouth and listen?

Me: You’re asking a lot here God.

I got in the shower this morning. And for those of you who read my blog, you know that the shower is where most of my talking to God happens and it’s where most of my writing inspiration happens. And often times the two go together. This morning when I got in the shower, I heard this song, “Give me oil in my lamp, keep me burning. Give me oil in my lamp I pray. Give me oil in my lamp keep me burning, burning, burning, keep me burning til the break of day.”

That is a song that I used to sing as a kid in Bible School and have sung with our Bible School kids over the years. There are a couple more verses and I actually had to look them up because it was just the oil in my lamp that came to me this morning.

The other verses are “Give me joy in my heart, keep me praising” and “Give me peace in my heart, keep me loving.”

Well then. 

10-4 God. 

I’m not sure you could’ve come through any clearer. My oil is low in my lamp. I haven’t been trusting like I should. I’ve been worrying about my dad and about my health and about some other personal things in my life and I haven’t been trusting that You have a pretty good track record of working things out for me. My oil is low and somedays I can't see where I'm going. Not only can I not see where I'm going, I'm having a hard time emitting any light for anybody else to see.  I haven’t been doing the things that I was doing a few months ago that strengthened me. Tomorrow I go for a boob fill up, but in the morning, I’m going to sit down and get myself an oil fill. 

And I have a sneaking suspicion that once I get an oil fill up, that joy and peace in my heart will follow right behind and those tears and anxieties and fears will diminish. 

-lightningbug

Hair in curlers kind of life...

It has been a while since I wrote last! That’s a good thing! That means I am busy living! I am all finished with chemotherapy. Hallefreakinglujah on that! Now I am in r&r mode for six weeks awaiting my double mastectomy.

I still have side effects from the chemo. I have had some neuropathy. Neuropathy is disease or dysfunction of one or more peripheral nerves, typically causing numbness or weakness. The peripheral nervous system is a network of 43 pairs of motor and sensory nerves that connect the brain and spinal cord (the central nervous system) to the entire human body. 

So. What’s that mean? Well, I can’t feel my fingers and toes a lot of the time. I have a constant eye twitch that is driving me BONKERS! That’s from the chemo. I go from hot to cold worse than a menopausal woman! I freeze to death and put on fleece pjs before bed and then halfway through the night I’m sweating and stripping down and throwing all covers off. My body is all out of whack. My legs have lost a lot of strength so walking long distances can be challenging. All in all though, I’m doing great. I have bad days and sometimes I even get mad that I have felt so great—or “forged on even when I didn’t feel completely great” is probably a little more accurate.  I think my family and friends sometimes forget that anything is even wrong because I try to keep up with my life as much as I can. And that’s a good thing! Having a husband who wouldn’t let me lay around and feel sorry for myself has actually been a great thing. Did I ever tell about the time I was resting on the sofa and he came inside and wanted me to come outside and TRIM THE HEDGES? I seriously wanted to take the hedge trimmers and cut his head off. I was so mad that he would wake me up when I was resting and actually ask me to trim the shrubbery! But looking back, those are exactly the kind of pushes I needed throughout this battle. Those are the kinds of things that kept me active and hopping!

Finishing chemo seemed surreal. It was surreal that I even had cancer but then it was surreal that I had endured 16 weeks of really harsh chemotherapy and it was now over. The staff at Blue Ridge Cancer Care is amazing and I hope none of you ever have to go through cancer care, but if you ever do, I highly recommend them. They are knowledgeable and loving and caring and that is a wonderful mix! Chemo was never a sad or morbid time for me. It was actually a FUN time! It was a chance to connect with others going through the same thing and it was humbling and I sit here and reflect with tears in my eyes…I will take those experiences with me for the rest of my life. 
Everybody has a story. Take time to slow down and listen. Really listen. 

I went to Florida between my last two chemos! Who does that??? I do! My Kansas cousin met me and Nat and we stayed with our aunt in Florida and we had such a wonderful few days! It was long overdue and I am so glad we got to do it! Cancer has a way of freeing your calendar for important things like spending time with family.

The sucky part is that the thousand year flood decided to come on the day we left. We barely made it to the airport and while we spent our dry, sunny days in the sunshine state floating in a pool and eating grouper, our hometown and surrounding areas were living a nightmare. When I left the house, our house looked like an island in the middle of a lake and our basement had several inches of water. After all was said and done, we had about 9 or so inches of water in our finished basement. 

We lost three trailer loads of things. Kevin had to pull up all of the carpet. Riley’s bedroom was in the basement. He lost his dresser and chest. I lost two pairs of Uggs which devastated me. I got water in my hope chest. We have no doors downstairs now and the walls had to be cut about a foot from the floor. Basically we are starting from scratch again and that sucks but we will do it with an attitude of gratitude, thankful that our house is still standing and our family is intact.

Tomorrow morning we leave for Myrtle Beach! Yippee! The Crushers have been planning and fundraising for a year now to make this trip happen. The Crushers are an extended family. Yes we play baseball but we also are a group of people who spend a great deal of time together making memories and loving one another and that is a really special thing that you don’t find everyday. I’m so proud to be a part of that group!

1. Yesterday my dad went to the doctor and he found out that he has “narrowing of the aorta.” More testing and then go from there. 

2. Kevin and I bickered over stupid crap yesterday. 

3. And for the finale, Riley’s car took a trip across our front lawn, through the ditch, across the highway and into the ditch across the highway yesterday with nobody in it. 

So yes. I had a very bad day yesterday, but even in the crappy days, we still have so much to be thankful for! 

1. I am beating cancer! 

2. Riley’s car wasn’t damaged. Nobody was injured!

3. We are all alive and well and "this too shall pass!"

When I went to the doctor on Tuesday, there was a lady in the waiting room with her daughter. She reminded me so much of my grandma that I actually cried in the waiting room. It was her voice and just the way she talked. Her daughter was asking her about pictures from when they lived in Michigan. The daughter said, “There was one of you with curlers in your hair.” That triggered the lady’s memory and she said yes she had those. For some reason, the thought of the daughter treasuring that picture of her mama in curlers has stuck with me. Our loved ones don’t care what we look like. They only care about our hearts. When we look back in 50 years, it will be those “hair in curlers” memories that will be the nearest and dearest, not the dressed to the nines selfies.

Momaw’s spirit was very strong that day. I know she has been with me every step of this journey. I know she has heard my cries and I can just see her running barefoot (I have no idea why barefoot but that’s the way I see it) to Jesus and telling him that her precious granddaugter is in need of healing and peace and getting all of heaven organized to get me well. I have no doubt in my mind about how that all went down! 

I have no doubt in my mind that the reason I have done so well with these treatments is not because I am “so strong” or “brave” but because of all of the prayers that have been humbly surrendered on my behalf. I can’t thank you all enough for that.

August 10 is surgery and I will know if the cancer is gone then. Your prayers have gotten me this far…our next united prayer is CANCER FREE on AUGUST 10!

#wegotthis

-lightningbug

Nothing Will Ever Really Be the Same...

Today was Chemo Day number five. My chemo regimen consists of four rounds of drugs Adriamycin and Cytoxan and four rounds of a drug called Taxol (total of eight treatments every other week for a total of 16 weeks.) I will finish up at the end of June. I began Dose Dense Taxol today and my biggest fear was an allergic reaction. I was made aware of increased allergic reactions to Taxol. I have prayed and prayed that I wouldn’t have an allergic reaction to this medication. Today I met with my doctor and he seemed pleased with where I was and how I was responding to treatment. He told me that he thought this drug would be much easier on me and also I will no longer have to come in the next day for the Neulasta shot (I sometimes think the Neulasta shot was harder on me than the actual chemo!)

As I sit here and think about what I am feeling and what I want to share, the tears just roll down my cheeks.  I have learned so much over the last few months—about myself, about the human spirit, about generosity and selflessness, about faith, about family and friends, about my community, about cancer and those who are going through it and those who have survived it.  

As with every chemo and every appointment, my best friend has been by my side. Because today’s treatment lasted so long, she had to leave to get her kids from school and I was by myself for a couple of hours. Not long after she left, I missed her! I thought about how lucky I am to have her by my side every step of the way—to listen to my irrational thoughts, to cry with me that one time in the car (yes, we only cried together one time over this), to laugh with me, to ask questions, to insist that the doctors run every test imaginable so I will not worry, to untangle my tubes so I can go to the bathroom, to get me Lay’s and ginger ale, and most of all, to just be there. Always.

There’s a girl who takes treatment on the same day as me and we do not even know each other’s names but when we see each other, we light up and there’s a shared bond that’s really kind of unexplainable. We’re both going through the same thing. I think about how exciting it will be when she finishes and when I finish and we can blow that popsicle stand, but as weird as it sounds, I have spent crucial time with these people and it’s going to be hard to leave them all (the nurses, the staff and the patients.) I have compared fighting cancer to being a soldier and although I don’t know if I am right about this, I suspect that when a soldier gets to go home to his or her family, it’s the most wonderful thing, but at the same time, there’s that same feeling of leaving those you have served alongside through some of the scariest and hardest times of life.

I am 5/8 of the way through this part. I will have my surgery in August and then my second surgery will be in November. I have said that I just want to get this all over with so I can get on with my life and have normal dilemmas once again like what am I going to cook for dinner and who can get the kid from practice tonight. 

While I won’t have to go to chemo every other week or have the side effects or have drain tubes or all the other things that are happening now and in the future, this will now forever be a part of who I am. Nothing will really ever be the same as it was because I am no longer the same as I was. My friendships are deeper, my gratitude is richer, my faith is deeper, my family is stronger, and my priorities are realigned.

I still hate doing dishes and cleaning the toilet. I guess some things are still the same.

-lightningbug

Don't WIG out! It's just hair!

I decided I wanted to have a hair shaving party…a wigging…a funeral for my hair and a celebration of what that dead hair means! That dead hair means those drugs are killing my hair and my taste buds and God only knows what else, but they are killing my cancer cells also! I got up this morning and started trying to find the day for the party. I wanted anybody who wanted to be there to be there because you guys have supported me so much! I decided on this Friday. I’d do it down at the church outside and we could have a fire in the fire pit and we would have a big cake and it would say “Don’t wig out! It’s just hair!” Cake makes everything better. And we would have plain Lay’s chips in the yellow bag because they are my LOVE right now and maybe some gourmet pizzas from Little Caesars.  And for the finale, we were going to have a pink balloon launch.

I was so excited. I was even going to make Kevin buy me a fabulous crown and place it on my head (which he would’ve never in a million years done, but in the music video of my life that plays in my head to he is totally doing that and singing “You are so beautiful to me" while wearing Ray Charles glasses.

Focus Amanda.

I had chemo today. Chemo went great. I also met with my oncologist and he told me that my horrible headache last Friday after chemo was probably caused from the Neulasta shot. After I described the pain to him, he explained that because I’m so young (brownie points to him for how many times he kept saying “SO YOUNG!”—I’m putting him in charge of my birthday cake this year! He can write “You are so young and you have amazing bone marrow, Reowr!” He said the Neulasta was like giving my bone marrow five cups of coffee. Yes my oncologist talks to me in coffee terms because he ROCKS! He thinks last time was the worst it will be and he thinks this time will be much better. That will be our prayer this week! Deana came to chemo with me and Dr. K told her to keep me straight. She told that man it was a full time job! The nerve!  On a serious note, Deana is my rock, my soul mate, my everything. She is amazing.  Today we looked at the wig and scarf catalog and made jokes about the weird stuff in those things til I laughed that funny laugh that sounds like I have a bad case of bronchitis! (ain’t nobody got time for that!)

I came home and every time I touched my hair, I had at least a dozen strands in my hand. Reality set in and I knew I wasn’t going to make it til Friday to have my hair shaving party. I would be lucky to have any left by Friday even if I didn’t touch it! Kevin came home from work and I told him that I needed to shave it tonight.

My friend Kim texted and asked if we were going to be home because she had something for me. I told her no because Natalie had a softball game. I told her just to leave it but she said something goes in the freezer. I was thinking chicken pot pie or a lasagna or something. I told her I would leave the door unlocked and for her to go on in and stick in there and that’s what she did.

We went to Natalie’s softball game today (brrr!) and some friends were there with “Team Amanda—friends don’t let friends fight alone” bracelets. How incredible is that?!  

The boys on the baseball team (9&10 year olds) are praying for my healing in the huddle. 

Someone messaged me and told me they had found themselves praying and they had never been one to pray. 

This is the lowest point in my life, yet my heart has never been fuller. The blessings I have received throughout the last two months have been unreal!

I have kept Philippians 4:6-8 on speed dial.

6        Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Verse 6 is the one I have always been familiar with. My grandma loved that verse. Keep it close to you but never forget the THANKSGIVING part!

But verse 7 is WHERE IT’S AT! 
Verse 7 drives it home and gives me what y’all keep calling “inspiration” and “strength” and “great attitude” and all that.

I hear all the time “I just don’t know how you are keeping it together.” 

I want to say (and a lot of times I do!) “HELL! Neither do I! No clue!" 

Verse 7. That’s why.

      

        7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your                  hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

The “peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING.” 

Well then. I’ll take that for $500, Alex.

We returned from the game and had dinner (thanks Meal Train awesomeness!) and I pulled up a chair in the kitchen. I told Kevin I wanted a cape. He pulled out this ridiculous, thin, white cape that looked like a trash bag. I told him I bet it had red pull ties on the back of it. He wasn’t amused but said he had a good cape and went to find it. I got the good cape, which he told me was $10 extra. *rolls eyes* I got my cape on and we were getting ready to begin. The boys ran in and I asked Natalie if she wanted to join in and she began to cry. Oh boy. Maybe God gave me Deana to warm up for Natalie because she too, is my soul mate. She is my heartbeat. She wanted NO PART of the hair cutting. I wasn’t expecting it to hit her like that. She cried and cried and cried. Then I cried and cried and cried. And then Papi cried and cried and cried. And then Kevin said, “What the hell?! Nobody cried one single tear when I lost all my hair!” And then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. Natalie didn’t cut one single strand of my hair and I understand. I’m her mom and she’s my girl and I understand.

The boys on the other hand had a bit too much fun…

They got it buzzed down pretty good for me, so I don't have to worry about hair flying everywhere and in a few more days, even my buzzed off locks will be gone. I'm cool with that though. Gotta kill it to heal it. Guess what was in my freezer? A Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Kim brought me a DQ ice cream cake and she said it was a big fiasco because it wasn't what she wanted but they needed more time for what she wanted but that God kept bugging her to bring me a cake today so she did. I got my cake today. 

If you see me around, I proabably won't look the same way twice. I am outside my comfort zone but I'm planning on calling up some of that Haunted House Bravery!

-lightningbug

You're so vain...You probably think this blog is about you...

Today is one of the days that I have been dreading. I’ve thought about it, read about it and tried to prepare for it. For the last couple of days, I have started to think that my hair is coming out. I am blessed to have a head of amazingly thick hair. It’s nothing for me to have a fistful of hair after I shower. I guess the new growth just fills it all in.  Yesterday at the ball tournament, I frequented the restroom (thanks to a bazillion gallons of coffee I drank) and each time I would wash my hands and look up in the mirror, I would see some hairs on my shoulder or hanging down from my hair.  Today I showered and washed my hair and there was probably triple the amount of hair that normally comes out when I shampoo.  I dried my hair with the dryer and probably an equal amount came out then. Run fingers through hair, ten strands in your hand. You know how you shampoo and condition and then once that conditioner gets through and everything runs clear, no more hairs come out? Well this doesn’t go that way. Hairs keep coming out. I could run my fingers through my hair all day and probably not have any left by the end of the day.  It’s a weird feeling. And I could not shampoo and not blow dry and not fix my hair and keep it a little while longer, but it's still going to come out eventually.

I’m a vain person. I care about how I look. A lot. I know it’s just hair. It doesn’t have anything to do with who I am or what’s in my heart, but I am still going to miss it. I knew it was drying out and becoming brittle last week, so I asked my hairdresser if she would cut it down for me. I knew it was coming. She gave me a cute little hair cut. When my Papi (10 years old) got in the car that afternoon, he didn’t even notice. I said, “See anything different?” He said, “No.” I turned all the way around and pointed out my hair and he said, “Oh! You got a haircut.” Then he said, “I don’t pay attention to your hair, I just pay attention to your face.”

When he said that, it made me think of Peter taking his eyes off Jesus. No he’s not walking on water and no I’m not Jesus, but he is looking to me for guidance and love and direction and confidence. And none of that comes from hair, makeup, clothes, or accessories. All that little boy is looking at is my face…my love...my light—and that light isn’t coming from Maybelline (although I do think Jesus gives his total stamp of approval on a good eyeliner and mascara.)  

Chemo tomorrow. Once that is over, I will have half of the really hard ones knocked out. I'll probably clipper my hair this week. I can't keep up with the dog hair around here, let alone human hair!

Gotta kill it to heal it. #wegotthis

-lightningbug

A little Carly Simon for you Monday pleasure...

Always Take Off The Shin Guards...

Two years ago, our first year together, U-8 travel baseball team went to Richmond to play in a tournament. If memory serves me correctly, this was the third tournament we had played together. When we got to the complex where we played, one of our coaches went around to scope out the other teams. He came back and you would’ve thought he had seen a ghost. He said, “I can’t believe how hard these other kids are hitting the ball.  He said, "I'm not really worried about losing. I'm pretty sure we are going to lose but I am scared to death one of our kids will get hurt out here.”  And thank goodness, none of our boys were hurt, but we got our butts handed to us that weekend. We didn’t win a single ballgame.  The season improved some that year and the boys began to improve and play more as a team.

Fast forward a year. We were in U-9 last year. We went back to Richmond last spring. We played three games on Saturday. Lost the first, won the second, lost the third. It was so disappointing. We played like crap. It was one of those days where if it could go wrong, it did go wrong. Because of our crappy day of ball, we got the grand prize of being in the losers bracket and getting the 8am game [insert extreme sarcasm.]  I remember calling my dad and telling him we would probably be back to Covington by lunchtime on Sunday. Things played out differently though. We beat the Vipers in game one. Then we played the Frozen Ropes and lo and behold if we didn’t beat them, too! I have never seen our parents and fans so excited! It was so intense and thrilling to watch these kids who couldn’t catch a cold or hit the ball a lick yesterday to come back and win two games! I was standing by the fence and our catcher was on deck and we had two outs. He still had his shin guards on. I said “Take those shin guards off! Always take those shin guards off!” Well, he looked at me like I had three heads and the whole team probably thought I was coo-coo.  “Always take the shin guards off!” became my battle cry that day! Our catcher was doing exactly what catchers do. They wait to get their gear off until they know for sure they aren’t going to be going back on the field. That gear is hard work to get on and off and is time consuming! I continued to say “Always take the shin guards off!” What I was trying to convey to these youngsters was to have faith in that guy up to bat. Have COMPLETE FAITH. Have “Take the shin guards off because you're going to get on base and I’m going to bat” faith!

Those boys fought their way through the losers bracket and they played for the silver bracket championship against Tuckahoe Flying Squirrels. And the story could end there and it would’ve still been a great one, but guess what happened next?  We won that game 20-0!  It was such a great day! We had two players who were awarded great accolades by the umpire. It wasn’t just a baseball tournament, it was a weekend full of memories and laughter (not so much laughter Saturday but we tend to always have fun, win or lose), and lessons.  It was a weekend of losing together and winning together, all the while, being of good character and picking yourself and your teammates up when they are down. I can’t think of a greater representation of life.

A month or so ago, our team ordered sweatshirts. My husband came home and asked if I wanted a sweatshirt. I said no but I didn’t tell him why. The reason why I didn’t order a sweatshirt was because I didn’t know if I was going to live to need a sweatshirt.

Yesterday I took my shin guards off and I ordered a sweatshirt. I plan on using it for many years to come.

If you are keeping your shin guards of life on, take them off and trust the one who is ahead of you.

-lightningbug

Round 1...FIGHT!

(Saturday)

This has been a crazy week. This week I began chemotherapy. 

Talk about words you never imagined your 38-year old self saying.

I arrived at the hospital at 10:15 on Tuesday morning. I had my blood work (you have to have blood work before each chemotherapy session to monitor blood counts.) After my finger stick, I went to my chair and sat down. My best friend Deana was with me. The nurse cleaned up everything and began my premeds and then began my chemotherapy. I am taking adriamycin and cytoxan.  Getting my chemotherapy was not the morbid experience that I thought it would be. I had my best friend by my side and we did chemotherapy like we have done everything else in life—with laughter and fun and full of life.  I walked out and was starving and I went for lunch with my dad. I had a BLT and greasy fries—exactly what the nurse told me I shouldn’t have. Oh well. It was yummy. That afternoon, I went to Roanoke to my daughter’s softball game. I felt good and was sure that I was going to knock this chemo crap out of the park. The following day was a good day also. I returned to the hospital for my Neulasta shot. Neulasta is a man-made form of a protein (amino acid) that stimulates the bone marrow and promotes the growth of white blood cells (neutrophils.) White blood cells help your body fight against infection.  After I got my shot, I took off to Salem to the wig shop to pick up my wig. I was still feeling great and energetic. I got my wig and came back home, ate a yummy dinner (the meal train is going to make me a fat girl!) and then headed to Riley’s track meet. I started to feel a little tired as the sun began to go down at the track meet. I went on home and got ready for bed and turned in for the night. 

Thursday I got up and felt a little sick to my stomach. I couldn’t drink my coffee and opted for ginger ale instead. I went to work and didn’t feel horrible but didn’t feel like myself. I came home that afternoon and was so tired so I went to bed. Friday morning I woke up with the most horrible headache. I guess I should backtrack just a little. I haven’t had an actual good night’s sleep since chemo began. The steroids mess with sleep.  Friday morning I woke up (although I had been up and down all night) with a splitting headache. This was like a headache I had never had before. For those of you who have migraines, my heart goes out to you. I have no idea how you endure those things. The headache I had hurt from the back of my head, all the way down to my forehead and to my ears. My eye sockets hurt, my cheeks hurt, my ears hurt and my eyes hurt to open. Everybody was checking on me yesterday and my eyes hurt so bad that I couldn’t look at my phone long enough to return a text. It was bad. I spent most of the day in bed.  I finally got up about 8pm and tried to eat a little (unsuccessful) and then went back to bed and slept all night (although again, up and down, up and down.)  When I woke up today (Saturday), I felt so much better. I still had some traces of a headache, but compared to the last day, I felt like a new woman!

(Sunday)

Saturday was a good day and today was even better! Today I got up at 6:15 am so I could be at the Sunrise Service at 7 am. I knew if my body allowed me to get to church, that it would strengthen me. My body allowed me to get to church and stomach a huge Yeti full of coffee and some yummy pastries at the continental breakfast and go back to the 11:00 service and then home for a yummy Easter dinner prepared by my mother-in-law!  She makes the best potato salad ever and I got to have two helpings today! Yippee!  Today I went with my family to Douthat and I ran around the yard and shamelessly beat the crap out of my youngest child in an egg hunt! It was a great day. And my red birds came by to say hey this evening.

What Cancer (and other storms of life) CAN do:

1. Can restore your faith in God.
2. Can restore your faith in humanity.
3. Can readjust your focus and priorities.
4. Can put you in the path of people you would otherwise never meet.
5. Can put people in your path that you would otherwise never meet.
6. Can make you relatable and inspirational to others and others relatable and inspirational to you.

I'm certainly not thanking cancer for invading my life. It IS an invasion. I didn't invite it, nor do I want it here. Make no bones about that!  I'm going to do this though. I'm going to beat this. Friday was so horrible and I know there will be many of those horrible days ahead, but I'm doing this.
And when cancer or other storms of life invade your life, YOU can do it, too.
It's not always easy or fun but good can and will come out of it.

-lightningbug

We May Not Know What The Future Holds...

Wow, what a couple of weeks!

The ups, the downs, the fear, the blessings…just wow.

Today is March 17. February 17 is when I had my biopsy. Just a month ago—my whole world was completely picked up and shaken in those four short (the longest of my life) weeks.

I never want to feel the way I did those first couple of weeks. I never want anybody to feel like that. My heart has never ached so much in my entire life than it did during that time. The brain is the most incredible organ. It can alter so much. It certainly wasn’t working in my favor those first couple of weeks. My heart kept telling me that God was in control and that this is all part of my purpose and something good WILL come from this, but I had such trouble seeing that for all the fear! Stupid, ugly, horrible, gut-wrenching fear! Boy, can it ever grab a hold of you and dig its nails in!

People keep telling me how strong I am and how positive I am and how I have such faith—I say hogwash! I have failed so miserably with all of that! As my kids have grown, my life has sped up to rocket speed and I put God somewhere behind baseball, getting the laundry done and organizing my boots by height and color. God hasn’t been first in my life lately. But the wild part is that he hasn't put me on the back-burner. He was with me when I got that cancer call, he was with me when I was in the bathroom floor crying, he was with me at that MRI and that bone scan and everywhere else I have been and everywhere else I am going.  He was the first person I cried out to and He could’ve so easily said, “Pssht. Nice try sista. You only called because you needed something” and sent me straight to voicemail. But He didn’t. He sent His love to me in a hundred different ways. He has put hundreds of people in my path to love me and reassure me and hold me up. He has put His stamp on everything that has come my way.

When March rolled around, I picked up an Upper Room devotional book from the church. I always get one but I haven’t read it for a while now. I didn’t have time of course—I mean between a part time job and three busy kids and my Netflix addiction—you can see how there just wasn’t time.  I started reading it again and it has become something that my kids and I look forward to every night. THAT’S something I am proud of. Everything I read from there seems to be tailor-made for me and here are just a few examples:

March 1—“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” –Isaiah 41:10

 March 3—“Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”—Philippians 4:6

March 7—“Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”—Matthew 11:28

March 8—“Why my soul are you so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”-Psalm 43:5

March 13—“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”—Jeremiah 29:11

March 14—“My attitude and actions affect whether I experience God’s blessings flowing freely or as a trickle.”-William George Gosling

March 15—“Dear God, when we want to be first, show us how we can humbly serve others.”—Lisa Bartlet

March 17—“The Lord your God will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”—Zephaniah 3:16-17

As most of you know, I had extreme paranoia that my cancer had spread to my bones because of a coincidental lower back thing that I’ve had going on. Worrying about that consumed my every thought. Yesterday I got the call that my bone scan was clear. I had actually rehearsed this in my mind. I had thought about that call coming in. I had thought about how it would feel for that weight to be lifted off of me. I never could imagine how my mind would be able to grasp and react to anything but good news though. When I got that call, I literally fell to my knees and sobbed and thanked God. I have never felt anything like that.

My friends have set up a “meal train.” They have all got together and they are bringing our family dinner every other day for the duration of my chemo (that’s 16 weeks!)  In just a week, the calendar is practically filled up! Every day I receive cards and gifts and so much love and kindness. I can’t explain what it means to me, yet it is also hard! It’s hard to accept help! I read something the other day that has stuck with me though.  If I don’t accept others blessing me, I am robbing not just myself of the blessings, but I am also robbing them of the joy of serving! So I am going to try to really remember that, even when I feel like everybody is making too much of a fuss over me!

And the meal train is just the tip of the iceberg.  My friends and family are amazing! AMAZING! All kinds of awesome things in the works!

Yesterday I had my port put in. It’s in my chest above my good boob and that’s where they will put the chemo through and draw blood and all that good stuff. As usual, the staff was amazing. I don’t know how you medical people do it, but you guys are awesome! My oldest son Riley took me to Roanoke for the procedure. It warmed my heart so much that he did that for me. This is not something you ever want to endure nor do you want your family to have to endure but I love them so much for stepping up and loving me and taking such good care of me.

Riley and I went to the wig shop yesterday morning. Can you just imagine a 17 year old boy sitting in a wig shop watching his mom try on wigs?! Well he did. He rocks. And I have a fabulous wig ordered. You didn’t think this cancer thing was going to make me have bad hair did you?!?!

Tomorrow is a CT scan and an echocardiogram and next week I begin chemotherapy. I am scheduled for eight rounds, every other week and then six weeks of rest and then a bilateral breast mastectomy, possible radiation and reconstruction. I have a long, uphill battle.

I changed the church sign the other day and it says, “We may not know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future.”

True story.

-lightningbug

You Said You'd Be Here, So I Knew You Would...

Last night was a bad one. And I wasn’t going to write about it, because I don’t want anybody to see me weak, but then I wouldn’t be honest with you and I want to be honest, even if it’s not easy for me.

Yesterday I was filling out a family history form for the genetic testing (which I think is quite ridiculous anyway…if I’m paying thousands of dollars for you to do genetic testing to see if I have gene mutations for cancer, why do I have to do all the work?!) ANYWAY, I do. I have to fill out this very in depth family history. While working on this, I remembered that my aunt had given all of this to me in an email a while back. I searched through my old emails and I found the email. I also found next to that email, an email telling her that I wanted the family history because I was making an overdue gyno appointment because I had a “soreness in my left breast” and I “had even convinced myself that I felt a lump a couple of days ago” but now it’s no longer sore and I can’t feel anything so I think it was probably all in my head and was probably just a strained muscle.

I read that and I almost fell out of my chair. I didn’t even remember that! And it wasn’t something that I had even mentioned to the doctor then because I couldn’t even feel it after that.

What if… What if I would’ve told her two years ago? What if I would’ve insisted on a mammogram then?  What if this shit has been there that long? Here I thought it just popped up a month ago, but what if it’s been there for ages? What if it has take over my entire body? And I’ve read the statistics on that once it’s spread. I don’t have a snowball’s chance in Hades if it has spread. The dreaded "what ifs" that plague every one of us.

And then I got up from my desk and Oh My Gosh! My back! My lower back! I have had lower back pain for at least 10 years but at that moment I was sure that the cancer was now in my back and that’s why my back was hurting so bad.

I made it home and plopped down in the chair. I needed to go get some groceries but I was drained. And sitting in the chair felt good. Getting up felt bad, walking felt bad, bending over felt bad. Sitting and laying down felt ok.

I looked all over for the stupid heating pad and I couldn’t find it. And I kept having to bend over to look for it. Mental note: Never store a heating pad where you have to bend over to get it because if your back is hurting, that really doesn’t feel great.

Never did find the heating pad, but I finally found a heated throw and turned it up on high and laid on that. It was better than nothing. I laid back and I began to sob. It was just the culmination of everything. It was the realization that this may have been there longer than I thought and the danger that goes along with that, it was the feeling of despair and fear, it was thinking of how people think I’m so positive and I’m just a big, fat fraud. And then on top of all of that, my stupid back decided to stop working! I was crying so hard that I thought I was going to hyperventilate.

My sweet boy and I were the only ones at home at this time and he walked in on me. He said he heard me and asked what was wrong. I did what any good mother in that situation would do. I lied like a dog. I told him I had been reading something and it made me cry. Which technically I have been reading all kinds of things that have made me cry, but that wasn’t the full truth at that moment. He looked up and he gave me a hug and kiss and then went back to watching something on his iPad.

I want to be like him. I want to be child-like and not have this fear inside of me.

I was supposed to have lunch with him one time at school. As usual, I was running late. I ran in right at the last minute and I said, “Oh my gosh! Did you think I had forgotten?!” He calmly replied, “No, I knew you’d be here. You said you’d be here so I knew you would.”

That’s faith. He has complete faith in me. “You said you’d be here so I knew you would.”

Through this journey, I need to remember that statement.

When I think for a minute that God isn’t with me, I need to remember “You said you’d be here so I knew you would.”

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble—aka 

“You said you’d be here so I knew you would.” 

It could be the school cafeteria or cancer.

My husband has had a hard couple of days also. It’s not just me who got the cancer diagnosis. He got it too. And our kids. And our family and our friends and our community. We all got it.

I don’t know what it’s like to be married to someone with cancer. Hell, that may be harder than having cancer. He has to try to be strong for me and the kids and he has to keep going to work and be proficient in his job and then come home and help with everything at home and then he sees me in my bedroom crying into a pillow. And he has to put on a brave face and put all of his feelings on hold to lift me back up.

Last night my friends stepped up and encouraged me when I was in that dark place. They prayed hard for me and they sent me pictures of survivors (one of the pictures was me.) They calmed my fears and told me that cancer could not jump around like lice and fleas and spread when I told them I was CERTAIN that has already happened. I had some sweet peas come to my door last night with flowers and cupcakes!

See, I told you I’m not the brave one here. You guys can’t see because you are on that side, but you are the brave ones. YOU are holding me up.

Keep up the good work.

-lightningbug