Hair in curlers kind of life...

It has been a while since I wrote last! That’s a good thing! That means I am busy living! I am all finished with chemotherapy. Hallefreakinglujah on that! Now I am in r&r mode for six weeks awaiting my double mastectomy.

I still have side effects from the chemo. I have had some neuropathy. Neuropathy is disease or dysfunction of one or more peripheral nerves, typically causing numbness or weakness. The peripheral nervous system is a network of 43 pairs of motor and sensory nerves that connect the brain and spinal cord (the central nervous system) to the entire human body. 

So. What’s that mean? Well, I can’t feel my fingers and toes a lot of the time. I have a constant eye twitch that is driving me BONKERS! That’s from the chemo. I go from hot to cold worse than a menopausal woman! I freeze to death and put on fleece pjs before bed and then halfway through the night I’m sweating and stripping down and throwing all covers off. My body is all out of whack. My legs have lost a lot of strength so walking long distances can be challenging. All in all though, I’m doing great. I have bad days and sometimes I even get mad that I have felt so great—or “forged on even when I didn’t feel completely great” is probably a little more accurate.  I think my family and friends sometimes forget that anything is even wrong because I try to keep up with my life as much as I can. And that’s a good thing! Having a husband who wouldn’t let me lay around and feel sorry for myself has actually been a great thing. Did I ever tell about the time I was resting on the sofa and he came inside and wanted me to come outside and TRIM THE HEDGES? I seriously wanted to take the hedge trimmers and cut his head off. I was so mad that he would wake me up when I was resting and actually ask me to trim the shrubbery! But looking back, those are exactly the kind of pushes I needed throughout this battle. Those are the kinds of things that kept me active and hopping!

Finishing chemo seemed surreal. It was surreal that I even had cancer but then it was surreal that I had endured 16 weeks of really harsh chemotherapy and it was now over. The staff at Blue Ridge Cancer Care is amazing and I hope none of you ever have to go through cancer care, but if you ever do, I highly recommend them. They are knowledgeable and loving and caring and that is a wonderful mix! Chemo was never a sad or morbid time for me. It was actually a FUN time! It was a chance to connect with others going through the same thing and it was humbling and I sit here and reflect with tears in my eyes…I will take those experiences with me for the rest of my life. 
Everybody has a story. Take time to slow down and listen. Really listen. 

I went to Florida between my last two chemos! Who does that??? I do! My Kansas cousin met me and Nat and we stayed with our aunt in Florida and we had such a wonderful few days! It was long overdue and I am so glad we got to do it! Cancer has a way of freeing your calendar for important things like spending time with family.

The sucky part is that the thousand year flood decided to come on the day we left. We barely made it to the airport and while we spent our dry, sunny days in the sunshine state floating in a pool and eating grouper, our hometown and surrounding areas were living a nightmare. When I left the house, our house looked like an island in the middle of a lake and our basement had several inches of water. After all was said and done, we had about 9 or so inches of water in our finished basement. 

We lost three trailer loads of things. Kevin had to pull up all of the carpet. Riley’s bedroom was in the basement. He lost his dresser and chest. I lost two pairs of Uggs which devastated me. I got water in my hope chest. We have no doors downstairs now and the walls had to be cut about a foot from the floor. Basically we are starting from scratch again and that sucks but we will do it with an attitude of gratitude, thankful that our house is still standing and our family is intact.

Tomorrow morning we leave for Myrtle Beach! Yippee! The Crushers have been planning and fundraising for a year now to make this trip happen. The Crushers are an extended family. Yes we play baseball but we also are a group of people who spend a great deal of time together making memories and loving one another and that is a really special thing that you don’t find everyday. I’m so proud to be a part of that group!

1. Yesterday my dad went to the doctor and he found out that he has “narrowing of the aorta.” More testing and then go from there. 

2. Kevin and I bickered over stupid crap yesterday. 

3. And for the finale, Riley’s car took a trip across our front lawn, through the ditch, across the highway and into the ditch across the highway yesterday with nobody in it. 

So yes. I had a very bad day yesterday, but even in the crappy days, we still have so much to be thankful for! 

1. I am beating cancer! 

2. Riley’s car wasn’t damaged. Nobody was injured!

3. We are all alive and well and "this too shall pass!"

When I went to the doctor on Tuesday, there was a lady in the waiting room with her daughter. She reminded me so much of my grandma that I actually cried in the waiting room. It was her voice and just the way she talked. Her daughter was asking her about pictures from when they lived in Michigan. The daughter said, “There was one of you with curlers in your hair.” That triggered the lady’s memory and she said yes she had those. For some reason, the thought of the daughter treasuring that picture of her mama in curlers has stuck with me. Our loved ones don’t care what we look like. They only care about our hearts. When we look back in 50 years, it will be those “hair in curlers” memories that will be the nearest and dearest, not the dressed to the nines selfies.

Momaw’s spirit was very strong that day. I know she has been with me every step of this journey. I know she has heard my cries and I can just see her running barefoot (I have no idea why barefoot but that’s the way I see it) to Jesus and telling him that her precious granddaugter is in need of healing and peace and getting all of heaven organized to get me well. I have no doubt in my mind about how that all went down! 

I have no doubt in my mind that the reason I have done so well with these treatments is not because I am “so strong” or “brave” but because of all of the prayers that have been humbly surrendered on my behalf. I can’t thank you all enough for that.

August 10 is surgery and I will know if the cancer is gone then. Your prayers have gotten me this far…our next united prayer is CANCER FREE on AUGUST 10!

#wegotthis

-lightningbug

Chemo Brain

Someone said to my dad last week, “I thought Amanda must be feeling bad because she hasn’t written in a while.”  The truth is I haven’t been feeling as good as I was the first six weeks. My allergies have really added to the being worn down thing. I blow my nose around the clock and now I have a cough that sounds like I have the pneumonic plague. Saturday I was showered and dressed and ready to go to a lemonade stand and then on to a birthday party and I started getting chills. I ended up running a fever that day and night. Seems it was probably something viral. It has taken me a few days to bounce back from that.

I’m tired, I don’t focus on things so well, I’m coughing every breath. I know. Sexy. A pajama wearing, forgetful, nearly bald woman with the whooping cough.  And I can't taste anything. Coffee is bland, pepperoni pizza is bland, Fruity Pebbles are bland. Doesn't really matter, I haven't been hungry in a few days anyway. I am making myself eat but the desire isn't really there.

I’m halfway through my chemo. I’m so ready to be done with it all. I’m starting to feel impatient I think. I just want all this to be over with so I can move on with my life. The warm weather has caused me to think about being outdoors and I want to revamp my back patio and I want to get a load of mulch and get my landscaping done. I want to repaint my kitchen cabinets. I have a ton of different projects I’d love to get into, but I just don’t have the energy to do them right now.  And that is very frustrating to me.  I am trying to just listen to my body and go when I feel like going and rest when I feel like resting.

I’m looking forward to the school year finishing up so I can have my kids at home. They will fight and tear the house to smithereens, but I still like having them at home.

I’m tired and this blog was nearly pointless tonight but that’s kind of how I have been for the last week. Hopefully my cough will let up and I will regain a little energy and be back to my usual shenanigans in two shakes of a lamb’s tail!

-lightning bug

Hide it under a bushel, NO!

Last weekend was a great one! The Crushers had a baseball tournament in Christiansburg. Nothing beats baseball weekends and this tournament really got it kicked off! In addition to the Crushers playing, our nephew Alex Griffith, who plays baseball for the Pitt Panthers had a weekend of games at Virginia Tech! We were only able to catch about an hour of Pitt baseball because of our schedule, but what great fun the boys and all of us had!  Our entire Crushers baseball team went over to English Field and Alex and his buddy Tyler Garbee entertained all sorts of questions from our squad.  Our guys were star-struck! I remember having those same feelings when I was a young girl, watching the UVA Women’s Basketball team!

One of our little guys told Tyler that his dream was to play in the MLB and instead of dismissing him or laughing, he replied, “You hold on to that dream.”

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make this ole sappy mom get teary eyed.

Alex reached over the fence and gave me a hug when I got there. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas and I hadn’t received my diagnosis at that time. Alex is our first-born nephew and will always hold a super special place in our hearts. He’s handsome and talented and polite and has a good heart and we are so proud of him.

Later that night, all of the Griffiths (minus Papaw, Riley, and Zackary) were able to meet up for dinner and it was great! Alex brought me a special gift—a baseball signed by the entire Pitt baseball squad!  It’s an absolute treasure to me!

We had a great weekend even though we didn’t bring home any Crusher bling this weekend. Sometimes losses have more lessons packed in them than wins and I think this weekend was one of them.  We had a great devotion on Sunday and once again, I’d be lying if I said this ole gal didn’t have tears streaming down her cheeks.  Funny how just the right message is sent when you are listening.

We finished in third place that weekend and we stopped by the Cracker Barrel for some dinner Sunday evening.  We were doing what we do—goofing off in the gift shop—Kevin was asking the hostess if he ate the candy before we were seated if we had to pay for it. Sigh.  Welcome to my world.  I looked up and a man had kind of circled around me. I was wearing my gray hat that day and he asked, “Is there any particular reason that you have that haircut?” I looked at him, kind of shocked, and replied, “Yes, I have breast cancer.” He looked kindly at me and then he turned his eyes to his wife and held out his hand toward her. He told me his wife also was battling breast cancer.  She had gone through all of her chemo and was now taking Herceptin. The couple was from Franklin County and they had been down in Hampton over the weekend visiting family. The lady and I chatted and it was quite emotional. I’ve said it before that it’s a sisterhood that nobody wants to be part of, but once you are, the bonds are deep—even between two strangers.  We wished one another the best and parted.

The following day, I attended a funeral--the funeral of a good friend’s father. It was a beautiful celebration of life. As the service proceeded, I tearfully took in my surroundings. I watched a son comfort his mother and I watched family members hold one another up. I watched friends gather in support. 

This last week has been a reminder to me of how important human relationships are and how we are created for them. We are created to love.

“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.”― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

This week was a chemo week. Chemo went well. The kids weren't feeling well so I took them to the doctor and Riley has the flu. It’s making things a little more stressful at home this week while we sit on pins and needles in dread that someone else will get the flu.

I went to work today and around 2 pm, I told Deana that I was going to go on home because I could hardly hold my eyes open and I just couldn’t understand why. She laughed and said that it was hilarious to her that I couldn’t understand why I was so tired with everything I have been through.

I have had such a great couple of weeks that I was expecting the rest of this to go just as smoothly. Today everything caught up with me. I was sore from the Neulasta shot and I was dog, dead tired. I went home and took a nap. I know I will have days like these from time to time, but they are frustrating. Tomorrow is a new day. 

-lightningbug

Don't WIG out! It's just hair!

I decided I wanted to have a hair shaving party…a wigging…a funeral for my hair and a celebration of what that dead hair means! That dead hair means those drugs are killing my hair and my taste buds and God only knows what else, but they are killing my cancer cells also! I got up this morning and started trying to find the day for the party. I wanted anybody who wanted to be there to be there because you guys have supported me so much! I decided on this Friday. I’d do it down at the church outside and we could have a fire in the fire pit and we would have a big cake and it would say “Don’t wig out! It’s just hair!” Cake makes everything better. And we would have plain Lay’s chips in the yellow bag because they are my LOVE right now and maybe some gourmet pizzas from Little Caesars.  And for the finale, we were going to have a pink balloon launch.

I was so excited. I was even going to make Kevin buy me a fabulous crown and place it on my head (which he would’ve never in a million years done, but in the music video of my life that plays in my head to he is totally doing that and singing “You are so beautiful to me" while wearing Ray Charles glasses.

Focus Amanda.

I had chemo today. Chemo went great. I also met with my oncologist and he told me that my horrible headache last Friday after chemo was probably caused from the Neulasta shot. After I described the pain to him, he explained that because I’m so young (brownie points to him for how many times he kept saying “SO YOUNG!”—I’m putting him in charge of my birthday cake this year! He can write “You are so young and you have amazing bone marrow, Reowr!” He said the Neulasta was like giving my bone marrow five cups of coffee. Yes my oncologist talks to me in coffee terms because he ROCKS! He thinks last time was the worst it will be and he thinks this time will be much better. That will be our prayer this week! Deana came to chemo with me and Dr. K told her to keep me straight. She told that man it was a full time job! The nerve!  On a serious note, Deana is my rock, my soul mate, my everything. She is amazing.  Today we looked at the wig and scarf catalog and made jokes about the weird stuff in those things til I laughed that funny laugh that sounds like I have a bad case of bronchitis! (ain’t nobody got time for that!)

I came home and every time I touched my hair, I had at least a dozen strands in my hand. Reality set in and I knew I wasn’t going to make it til Friday to have my hair shaving party. I would be lucky to have any left by Friday even if I didn’t touch it! Kevin came home from work and I told him that I needed to shave it tonight.

My friend Kim texted and asked if we were going to be home because she had something for me. I told her no because Natalie had a softball game. I told her just to leave it but she said something goes in the freezer. I was thinking chicken pot pie or a lasagna or something. I told her I would leave the door unlocked and for her to go on in and stick in there and that’s what she did.

We went to Natalie’s softball game today (brrr!) and some friends were there with “Team Amanda—friends don’t let friends fight alone” bracelets. How incredible is that?!  

The boys on the baseball team (9&10 year olds) are praying for my healing in the huddle. 

Someone messaged me and told me they had found themselves praying and they had never been one to pray. 

This is the lowest point in my life, yet my heart has never been fuller. The blessings I have received throughout the last two months have been unreal!

I have kept Philippians 4:6-8 on speed dial.

6        Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Verse 6 is the one I have always been familiar with. My grandma loved that verse. Keep it close to you but never forget the THANKSGIVING part!

But verse 7 is WHERE IT’S AT! 
Verse 7 drives it home and gives me what y’all keep calling “inspiration” and “strength” and “great attitude” and all that.

I hear all the time “I just don’t know how you are keeping it together.” 

I want to say (and a lot of times I do!) “HELL! Neither do I! No clue!" 

Verse 7. That’s why.

      

        7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your                  hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

The “peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING.” 

Well then. I’ll take that for $500, Alex.

We returned from the game and had dinner (thanks Meal Train awesomeness!) and I pulled up a chair in the kitchen. I told Kevin I wanted a cape. He pulled out this ridiculous, thin, white cape that looked like a trash bag. I told him I bet it had red pull ties on the back of it. He wasn’t amused but said he had a good cape and went to find it. I got the good cape, which he told me was $10 extra. *rolls eyes* I got my cape on and we were getting ready to begin. The boys ran in and I asked Natalie if she wanted to join in and she began to cry. Oh boy. Maybe God gave me Deana to warm up for Natalie because she too, is my soul mate. She is my heartbeat. She wanted NO PART of the hair cutting. I wasn’t expecting it to hit her like that. She cried and cried and cried. Then I cried and cried and cried. And then Papi cried and cried and cried. And then Kevin said, “What the hell?! Nobody cried one single tear when I lost all my hair!” And then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. Natalie didn’t cut one single strand of my hair and I understand. I’m her mom and she’s my girl and I understand.

The boys on the other hand had a bit too much fun…

They got it buzzed down pretty good for me, so I don't have to worry about hair flying everywhere and in a few more days, even my buzzed off locks will be gone. I'm cool with that though. Gotta kill it to heal it. Guess what was in my freezer? A Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Kim brought me a DQ ice cream cake and she said it was a big fiasco because it wasn't what she wanted but they needed more time for what she wanted but that God kept bugging her to bring me a cake today so she did. I got my cake today. 

If you see me around, I proabably won't look the same way twice. I am outside my comfort zone but I'm planning on calling up some of that Haunted House Bravery!

-lightningbug

You're so vain...You probably think this blog is about you...

Today is one of the days that I have been dreading. I’ve thought about it, read about it and tried to prepare for it. For the last couple of days, I have started to think that my hair is coming out. I am blessed to have a head of amazingly thick hair. It’s nothing for me to have a fistful of hair after I shower. I guess the new growth just fills it all in.  Yesterday at the ball tournament, I frequented the restroom (thanks to a bazillion gallons of coffee I drank) and each time I would wash my hands and look up in the mirror, I would see some hairs on my shoulder or hanging down from my hair.  Today I showered and washed my hair and there was probably triple the amount of hair that normally comes out when I shampoo.  I dried my hair with the dryer and probably an equal amount came out then. Run fingers through hair, ten strands in your hand. You know how you shampoo and condition and then once that conditioner gets through and everything runs clear, no more hairs come out? Well this doesn’t go that way. Hairs keep coming out. I could run my fingers through my hair all day and probably not have any left by the end of the day.  It’s a weird feeling. And I could not shampoo and not blow dry and not fix my hair and keep it a little while longer, but it's still going to come out eventually.

I’m a vain person. I care about how I look. A lot. I know it’s just hair. It doesn’t have anything to do with who I am or what’s in my heart, but I am still going to miss it. I knew it was drying out and becoming brittle last week, so I asked my hairdresser if she would cut it down for me. I knew it was coming. She gave me a cute little hair cut. When my Papi (10 years old) got in the car that afternoon, he didn’t even notice. I said, “See anything different?” He said, “No.” I turned all the way around and pointed out my hair and he said, “Oh! You got a haircut.” Then he said, “I don’t pay attention to your hair, I just pay attention to your face.”

When he said that, it made me think of Peter taking his eyes off Jesus. No he’s not walking on water and no I’m not Jesus, but he is looking to me for guidance and love and direction and confidence. And none of that comes from hair, makeup, clothes, or accessories. All that little boy is looking at is my face…my love...my light—and that light isn’t coming from Maybelline (although I do think Jesus gives his total stamp of approval on a good eyeliner and mascara.)  

Chemo tomorrow. Once that is over, I will have half of the really hard ones knocked out. I'll probably clipper my hair this week. I can't keep up with the dog hair around here, let alone human hair!

Gotta kill it to heal it. #wegotthis

-lightningbug

A little Carly Simon for you Monday pleasure...

Round 1...FIGHT!

(Saturday)

This has been a crazy week. This week I began chemotherapy. 

Talk about words you never imagined your 38-year old self saying.

I arrived at the hospital at 10:15 on Tuesday morning. I had my blood work (you have to have blood work before each chemotherapy session to monitor blood counts.) After my finger stick, I went to my chair and sat down. My best friend Deana was with me. The nurse cleaned up everything and began my premeds and then began my chemotherapy. I am taking adriamycin and cytoxan.  Getting my chemotherapy was not the morbid experience that I thought it would be. I had my best friend by my side and we did chemotherapy like we have done everything else in life—with laughter and fun and full of life.  I walked out and was starving and I went for lunch with my dad. I had a BLT and greasy fries—exactly what the nurse told me I shouldn’t have. Oh well. It was yummy. That afternoon, I went to Roanoke to my daughter’s softball game. I felt good and was sure that I was going to knock this chemo crap out of the park. The following day was a good day also. I returned to the hospital for my Neulasta shot. Neulasta is a man-made form of a protein (amino acid) that stimulates the bone marrow and promotes the growth of white blood cells (neutrophils.) White blood cells help your body fight against infection.  After I got my shot, I took off to Salem to the wig shop to pick up my wig. I was still feeling great and energetic. I got my wig and came back home, ate a yummy dinner (the meal train is going to make me a fat girl!) and then headed to Riley’s track meet. I started to feel a little tired as the sun began to go down at the track meet. I went on home and got ready for bed and turned in for the night. 

Thursday I got up and felt a little sick to my stomach. I couldn’t drink my coffee and opted for ginger ale instead. I went to work and didn’t feel horrible but didn’t feel like myself. I came home that afternoon and was so tired so I went to bed. Friday morning I woke up with the most horrible headache. I guess I should backtrack just a little. I haven’t had an actual good night’s sleep since chemo began. The steroids mess with sleep.  Friday morning I woke up (although I had been up and down all night) with a splitting headache. This was like a headache I had never had before. For those of you who have migraines, my heart goes out to you. I have no idea how you endure those things. The headache I had hurt from the back of my head, all the way down to my forehead and to my ears. My eye sockets hurt, my cheeks hurt, my ears hurt and my eyes hurt to open. Everybody was checking on me yesterday and my eyes hurt so bad that I couldn’t look at my phone long enough to return a text. It was bad. I spent most of the day in bed.  I finally got up about 8pm and tried to eat a little (unsuccessful) and then went back to bed and slept all night (although again, up and down, up and down.)  When I woke up today (Saturday), I felt so much better. I still had some traces of a headache, but compared to the last day, I felt like a new woman!

(Sunday)

Saturday was a good day and today was even better! Today I got up at 6:15 am so I could be at the Sunrise Service at 7 am. I knew if my body allowed me to get to church, that it would strengthen me. My body allowed me to get to church and stomach a huge Yeti full of coffee and some yummy pastries at the continental breakfast and go back to the 11:00 service and then home for a yummy Easter dinner prepared by my mother-in-law!  She makes the best potato salad ever and I got to have two helpings today! Yippee!  Today I went with my family to Douthat and I ran around the yard and shamelessly beat the crap out of my youngest child in an egg hunt! It was a great day. And my red birds came by to say hey this evening.

What Cancer (and other storms of life) CAN do:

1. Can restore your faith in God.
2. Can restore your faith in humanity.
3. Can readjust your focus and priorities.
4. Can put you in the path of people you would otherwise never meet.
5. Can put people in your path that you would otherwise never meet.
6. Can make you relatable and inspirational to others and others relatable and inspirational to you.

I'm certainly not thanking cancer for invading my life. It IS an invasion. I didn't invite it, nor do I want it here. Make no bones about that!  I'm going to do this though. I'm going to beat this. Friday was so horrible and I know there will be many of those horrible days ahead, but I'm doing this.
And when cancer or other storms of life invade your life, YOU can do it, too.
It's not always easy or fun but good can and will come out of it.

-lightningbug