Hide it under a bushel, NO!

Last weekend was a great one! The Crushers had a baseball tournament in Christiansburg. Nothing beats baseball weekends and this tournament really got it kicked off! In addition to the Crushers playing, our nephew Alex Griffith, who plays baseball for the Pitt Panthers had a weekend of games at Virginia Tech! We were only able to catch about an hour of Pitt baseball because of our schedule, but what great fun the boys and all of us had!  Our entire Crushers baseball team went over to English Field and Alex and his buddy Tyler Garbee entertained all sorts of questions from our squad.  Our guys were star-struck! I remember having those same feelings when I was a young girl, watching the UVA Women’s Basketball team!

One of our little guys told Tyler that his dream was to play in the MLB and instead of dismissing him or laughing, he replied, “You hold on to that dream.”

I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make this ole sappy mom get teary eyed.

Alex reached over the fence and gave me a hug when I got there. I hadn’t seen him since Christmas and I hadn’t received my diagnosis at that time. Alex is our first-born nephew and will always hold a super special place in our hearts. He’s handsome and talented and polite and has a good heart and we are so proud of him.

Later that night, all of the Griffiths (minus Papaw, Riley, and Zackary) were able to meet up for dinner and it was great! Alex brought me a special gift—a baseball signed by the entire Pitt baseball squad!  It’s an absolute treasure to me!

We had a great weekend even though we didn’t bring home any Crusher bling this weekend. Sometimes losses have more lessons packed in them than wins and I think this weekend was one of them.  We had a great devotion on Sunday and once again, I’d be lying if I said this ole gal didn’t have tears streaming down her cheeks.  Funny how just the right message is sent when you are listening.

We finished in third place that weekend and we stopped by the Cracker Barrel for some dinner Sunday evening.  We were doing what we do—goofing off in the gift shop—Kevin was asking the hostess if he ate the candy before we were seated if we had to pay for it. Sigh.  Welcome to my world.  I looked up and a man had kind of circled around me. I was wearing my gray hat that day and he asked, “Is there any particular reason that you have that haircut?” I looked at him, kind of shocked, and replied, “Yes, I have breast cancer.” He looked kindly at me and then he turned his eyes to his wife and held out his hand toward her. He told me his wife also was battling breast cancer.  She had gone through all of her chemo and was now taking Herceptin. The couple was from Franklin County and they had been down in Hampton over the weekend visiting family. The lady and I chatted and it was quite emotional. I’ve said it before that it’s a sisterhood that nobody wants to be part of, but once you are, the bonds are deep—even between two strangers.  We wished one another the best and parted.

The following day, I attended a funeral--the funeral of a good friend’s father. It was a beautiful celebration of life. As the service proceeded, I tearfully took in my surroundings. I watched a son comfort his mother and I watched family members hold one another up. I watched friends gather in support. 

This last week has been a reminder to me of how important human relationships are and how we are created for them. We are created to love.

“But love, I’ve come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.”― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

This week was a chemo week. Chemo went well. The kids weren't feeling well so I took them to the doctor and Riley has the flu. It’s making things a little more stressful at home this week while we sit on pins and needles in dread that someone else will get the flu.

I went to work today and around 2 pm, I told Deana that I was going to go on home because I could hardly hold my eyes open and I just couldn’t understand why. She laughed and said that it was hilarious to her that I couldn’t understand why I was so tired with everything I have been through.

I have had such a great couple of weeks that I was expecting the rest of this to go just as smoothly. Today everything caught up with me. I was sore from the Neulasta shot and I was dog, dead tired. I went home and took a nap. I know I will have days like these from time to time, but they are frustrating. Tomorrow is a new day. 

-lightningbug

Don't WIG out! It's just hair!

I decided I wanted to have a hair shaving party…a wigging…a funeral for my hair and a celebration of what that dead hair means! That dead hair means those drugs are killing my hair and my taste buds and God only knows what else, but they are killing my cancer cells also! I got up this morning and started trying to find the day for the party. I wanted anybody who wanted to be there to be there because you guys have supported me so much! I decided on this Friday. I’d do it down at the church outside and we could have a fire in the fire pit and we would have a big cake and it would say “Don’t wig out! It’s just hair!” Cake makes everything better. And we would have plain Lay’s chips in the yellow bag because they are my LOVE right now and maybe some gourmet pizzas from Little Caesars.  And for the finale, we were going to have a pink balloon launch.

I was so excited. I was even going to make Kevin buy me a fabulous crown and place it on my head (which he would’ve never in a million years done, but in the music video of my life that plays in my head to he is totally doing that and singing “You are so beautiful to me" while wearing Ray Charles glasses.

Focus Amanda.

I had chemo today. Chemo went great. I also met with my oncologist and he told me that my horrible headache last Friday after chemo was probably caused from the Neulasta shot. After I described the pain to him, he explained that because I’m so young (brownie points to him for how many times he kept saying “SO YOUNG!”—I’m putting him in charge of my birthday cake this year! He can write “You are so young and you have amazing bone marrow, Reowr!” He said the Neulasta was like giving my bone marrow five cups of coffee. Yes my oncologist talks to me in coffee terms because he ROCKS! He thinks last time was the worst it will be and he thinks this time will be much better. That will be our prayer this week! Deana came to chemo with me and Dr. K told her to keep me straight. She told that man it was a full time job! The nerve!  On a serious note, Deana is my rock, my soul mate, my everything. She is amazing.  Today we looked at the wig and scarf catalog and made jokes about the weird stuff in those things til I laughed that funny laugh that sounds like I have a bad case of bronchitis! (ain’t nobody got time for that!)

I came home and every time I touched my hair, I had at least a dozen strands in my hand. Reality set in and I knew I wasn’t going to make it til Friday to have my hair shaving party. I would be lucky to have any left by Friday even if I didn’t touch it! Kevin came home from work and I told him that I needed to shave it tonight.

My friend Kim texted and asked if we were going to be home because she had something for me. I told her no because Natalie had a softball game. I told her just to leave it but she said something goes in the freezer. I was thinking chicken pot pie or a lasagna or something. I told her I would leave the door unlocked and for her to go on in and stick in there and that’s what she did.

We went to Natalie’s softball game today (brrr!) and some friends were there with “Team Amanda—friends don’t let friends fight alone” bracelets. How incredible is that?!  

The boys on the baseball team (9&10 year olds) are praying for my healing in the huddle. 

Someone messaged me and told me they had found themselves praying and they had never been one to pray. 

This is the lowest point in my life, yet my heart has never been fuller. The blessings I have received throughout the last two months have been unreal!

I have kept Philippians 4:6-8 on speed dial.

6        Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Verse 6 is the one I have always been familiar with. My grandma loved that verse. Keep it close to you but never forget the THANKSGIVING part!

But verse 7 is WHERE IT’S AT! 
Verse 7 drives it home and gives me what y’all keep calling “inspiration” and “strength” and “great attitude” and all that.

I hear all the time “I just don’t know how you are keeping it together.” 

I want to say (and a lot of times I do!) “HELL! Neither do I! No clue!" 

Verse 7. That’s why.

      

        7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your                  hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

The “peace of God, which transcends ALL UNDERSTANDING.” 

Well then. I’ll take that for $500, Alex.

We returned from the game and had dinner (thanks Meal Train awesomeness!) and I pulled up a chair in the kitchen. I told Kevin I wanted a cape. He pulled out this ridiculous, thin, white cape that looked like a trash bag. I told him I bet it had red pull ties on the back of it. He wasn’t amused but said he had a good cape and went to find it. I got the good cape, which he told me was $10 extra. *rolls eyes* I got my cape on and we were getting ready to begin. The boys ran in and I asked Natalie if she wanted to join in and she began to cry. Oh boy. Maybe God gave me Deana to warm up for Natalie because she too, is my soul mate. She is my heartbeat. She wanted NO PART of the hair cutting. I wasn’t expecting it to hit her like that. She cried and cried and cried. Then I cried and cried and cried. And then Papi cried and cried and cried. And then Kevin said, “What the hell?! Nobody cried one single tear when I lost all my hair!” And then we laughed and we laughed and we laughed. Natalie didn’t cut one single strand of my hair and I understand. I’m her mom and she’s my girl and I understand.

The boys on the other hand had a bit too much fun…

They got it buzzed down pretty good for me, so I don't have to worry about hair flying everywhere and in a few more days, even my buzzed off locks will be gone. I'm cool with that though. Gotta kill it to heal it. Guess what was in my freezer? A Dairy Queen ice cream cake. Kim brought me a DQ ice cream cake and she said it was a big fiasco because it wasn't what she wanted but they needed more time for what she wanted but that God kept bugging her to bring me a cake today so she did. I got my cake today. 

If you see me around, I proabably won't look the same way twice. I am outside my comfort zone but I'm planning on calling up some of that Haunted House Bravery!

-lightningbug

You're so vain...You probably think this blog is about you...

Today is one of the days that I have been dreading. I’ve thought about it, read about it and tried to prepare for it. For the last couple of days, I have started to think that my hair is coming out. I am blessed to have a head of amazingly thick hair. It’s nothing for me to have a fistful of hair after I shower. I guess the new growth just fills it all in.  Yesterday at the ball tournament, I frequented the restroom (thanks to a bazillion gallons of coffee I drank) and each time I would wash my hands and look up in the mirror, I would see some hairs on my shoulder or hanging down from my hair.  Today I showered and washed my hair and there was probably triple the amount of hair that normally comes out when I shampoo.  I dried my hair with the dryer and probably an equal amount came out then. Run fingers through hair, ten strands in your hand. You know how you shampoo and condition and then once that conditioner gets through and everything runs clear, no more hairs come out? Well this doesn’t go that way. Hairs keep coming out. I could run my fingers through my hair all day and probably not have any left by the end of the day.  It’s a weird feeling. And I could not shampoo and not blow dry and not fix my hair and keep it a little while longer, but it's still going to come out eventually.

I’m a vain person. I care about how I look. A lot. I know it’s just hair. It doesn’t have anything to do with who I am or what’s in my heart, but I am still going to miss it. I knew it was drying out and becoming brittle last week, so I asked my hairdresser if she would cut it down for me. I knew it was coming. She gave me a cute little hair cut. When my Papi (10 years old) got in the car that afternoon, he didn’t even notice. I said, “See anything different?” He said, “No.” I turned all the way around and pointed out my hair and he said, “Oh! You got a haircut.” Then he said, “I don’t pay attention to your hair, I just pay attention to your face.”

When he said that, it made me think of Peter taking his eyes off Jesus. No he’s not walking on water and no I’m not Jesus, but he is looking to me for guidance and love and direction and confidence. And none of that comes from hair, makeup, clothes, or accessories. All that little boy is looking at is my face…my love...my light—and that light isn’t coming from Maybelline (although I do think Jesus gives his total stamp of approval on a good eyeliner and mascara.)  

Chemo tomorrow. Once that is over, I will have half of the really hard ones knocked out. I'll probably clipper my hair this week. I can't keep up with the dog hair around here, let alone human hair!

Gotta kill it to heal it. #wegotthis

-lightningbug

A little Carly Simon for you Monday pleasure...

We May Not Know What The Future Holds...

Wow, what a couple of weeks!

The ups, the downs, the fear, the blessings…just wow.

Today is March 17. February 17 is when I had my biopsy. Just a month ago—my whole world was completely picked up and shaken in those four short (the longest of my life) weeks.

I never want to feel the way I did those first couple of weeks. I never want anybody to feel like that. My heart has never ached so much in my entire life than it did during that time. The brain is the most incredible organ. It can alter so much. It certainly wasn’t working in my favor those first couple of weeks. My heart kept telling me that God was in control and that this is all part of my purpose and something good WILL come from this, but I had such trouble seeing that for all the fear! Stupid, ugly, horrible, gut-wrenching fear! Boy, can it ever grab a hold of you and dig its nails in!

People keep telling me how strong I am and how positive I am and how I have such faith—I say hogwash! I have failed so miserably with all of that! As my kids have grown, my life has sped up to rocket speed and I put God somewhere behind baseball, getting the laundry done and organizing my boots by height and color. God hasn’t been first in my life lately. But the wild part is that he hasn't put me on the back-burner. He was with me when I got that cancer call, he was with me when I was in the bathroom floor crying, he was with me at that MRI and that bone scan and everywhere else I have been and everywhere else I am going.  He was the first person I cried out to and He could’ve so easily said, “Pssht. Nice try sista. You only called because you needed something” and sent me straight to voicemail. But He didn’t. He sent His love to me in a hundred different ways. He has put hundreds of people in my path to love me and reassure me and hold me up. He has put His stamp on everything that has come my way.

When March rolled around, I picked up an Upper Room devotional book from the church. I always get one but I haven’t read it for a while now. I didn’t have time of course—I mean between a part time job and three busy kids and my Netflix addiction—you can see how there just wasn’t time.  I started reading it again and it has become something that my kids and I look forward to every night. THAT’S something I am proud of. Everything I read from there seems to be tailor-made for me and here are just a few examples:

March 1—“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” –Isaiah 41:10

 March 3—“Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”—Philippians 4:6

March 7—“Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”—Matthew 11:28

March 8—“Why my soul are you so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”-Psalm 43:5

March 13—“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”—Jeremiah 29:11

March 14—“My attitude and actions affect whether I experience God’s blessings flowing freely or as a trickle.”-William George Gosling

March 15—“Dear God, when we want to be first, show us how we can humbly serve others.”—Lisa Bartlet

March 17—“The Lord your God will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”—Zephaniah 3:16-17

As most of you know, I had extreme paranoia that my cancer had spread to my bones because of a coincidental lower back thing that I’ve had going on. Worrying about that consumed my every thought. Yesterday I got the call that my bone scan was clear. I had actually rehearsed this in my mind. I had thought about that call coming in. I had thought about how it would feel for that weight to be lifted off of me. I never could imagine how my mind would be able to grasp and react to anything but good news though. When I got that call, I literally fell to my knees and sobbed and thanked God. I have never felt anything like that.

My friends have set up a “meal train.” They have all got together and they are bringing our family dinner every other day for the duration of my chemo (that’s 16 weeks!)  In just a week, the calendar is practically filled up! Every day I receive cards and gifts and so much love and kindness. I can’t explain what it means to me, yet it is also hard! It’s hard to accept help! I read something the other day that has stuck with me though.  If I don’t accept others blessing me, I am robbing not just myself of the blessings, but I am also robbing them of the joy of serving! So I am going to try to really remember that, even when I feel like everybody is making too much of a fuss over me!

And the meal train is just the tip of the iceberg.  My friends and family are amazing! AMAZING! All kinds of awesome things in the works!

Yesterday I had my port put in. It’s in my chest above my good boob and that’s where they will put the chemo through and draw blood and all that good stuff. As usual, the staff was amazing. I don’t know how you medical people do it, but you guys are awesome! My oldest son Riley took me to Roanoke for the procedure. It warmed my heart so much that he did that for me. This is not something you ever want to endure nor do you want your family to have to endure but I love them so much for stepping up and loving me and taking such good care of me.

Riley and I went to the wig shop yesterday morning. Can you just imagine a 17 year old boy sitting in a wig shop watching his mom try on wigs?! Well he did. He rocks. And I have a fabulous wig ordered. You didn’t think this cancer thing was going to make me have bad hair did you?!?!

Tomorrow is a CT scan and an echocardiogram and next week I begin chemotherapy. I am scheduled for eight rounds, every other week and then six weeks of rest and then a bilateral breast mastectomy, possible radiation and reconstruction. I have a long, uphill battle.

I changed the church sign the other day and it says, “We may not know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future.”

True story.

-lightningbug

Back out in the world...the WallyWorld

Today I went out in the world. The Wally World, that is. 

It’s not that I have been avoiding the place, per se, it’s just that Kevin has been doing the shopping for the last couple of weeks to help me out. Today I needed some almond milk for my yummy smoothies so I went to Walmart this morning. Unless you live in Covington, VA or some other little Smalltown, USA, you won’t understand this. Walmart is not only a supercenter for groceries, motor oil and small kitchen appliances, but it is also a social gathering supercenter. If you go to the Walmart, you are guaranteed to see a minimum of ten people you know. That’s just how it is. I was there pretty early though, so the odds were in my favor. It wasn’t really that I didn’t want to see anyone, but rather, that I had barely combed my hair and I hadn’t applied any makeup this morning. I like to look halfway presentable on a normal day, but when you are recently diagnosed with cancer, you want to look great when you go out. You want people to say, “Oh I saw Amanda today and she looked fantastic!” as opposed to “Oh my gosh, I saw Amanda today and she looked like death warmed over.”

When I walked in Walmart, I hadn’t even made it to get my buggy and there was a breast cancer survivor who had reached out to me not long after my diagnosis. She gave me a hug and asked how I was and she said, “Now you’re going to have to get used to this. You have to come out and people are going to see you and you will be just fine.” Of all the people for me to run into as soon as I darkened the non-pearly gates of the Wallyworld. Coincidence my hiney. She was placed in my path. As I went through the store, I ran into a couple more people who grabbed me and hugged me. Having people care about you…knowing people are praying for you…it’s the best feeling in the world when everything around you is in limbo.

After I finished up in Wallyworld, I thought hmmm, I’m going to go over to Burger King because my dad has breakfast at BK almost every morning. You know the Tim McGraw song "Live Like You We're Dying?"  There's a line that says, "All of a sudden going fishing, wasn't such an imposition..." That line of that song has played in my mind since being diagnosed. I am not planning on dying but when you receive life-changing news, things that seemed inconvenient or unimportant suddenly aren't anymore. I popped over there and he was there so I sat down with him and had a cup of coffee. I ran into another lady who wasn’t a cancer survivor but had an awesome story of how God had completely healed her not once, but twice. I’m talking she was prepped for surgery and they went in and what they thought was there was no longer there. Miracles happen.

I told my dad last night that I wanted to get a bird feeder so the red birds would come back to see me. When I sat down today, he said he started researching last night to see what the cardinals liked to eat and what kind of feeders they liked. My daddy. He is something else. He was going to Tractor Supply after breakfast to get me a feeder and the right kind of seed (cardinals like sunflower seeds, cracked corn and millet.) You should go get you a bird feeder and seed if you don’t have one. I always thought I had enough animals to feed and I didn’t have time for the birds, but there is something so peaceful about birds. And just like everything else that hasn’t been a coincidence; the “fight song” that I picked for this battle is “Fly” by Maddie & Tae. 

Click here to see Maddie & Tae performing Fly at Children's Hospital at Vanderbilt

I found out on Friday morning, February 19^th that I have breast cancer. It hasn’t even been two weeks.  In those almost two weeks, I have had 13 breast cancer survivors contact me. Each one of those beautiful, awesome ladies has given me something different. I am now in this exclusive club that I didn’t want to ever join, but I am now a card carrying member. It’s like a sorority and those 13 ladies (and counting because I know more will emerge) are my big sisters who look after me and help me every step along the way. They have been through it and they know. They have cried the same tears and they have stayed up at night with the same worries. They understand. And when I make it through to the other side, I too, will be somebody’s big sister.

The Saturday after I found out, I was out walking. It was a beautiful afternoon. A friend messaged me and said, “My sister has been through this and if you ever want to talk to her…” Little did I know that this person would become my biggest cheerleader. Then last night, I was put in the path of a triple negative survivor. Nobody wants to have this common bond. None of us wanted to get cancer. But we did and good CAN come from it. We can be a light to one another—people who would have never been put in my path if not for this are now there. Good WILL come from this. I’ve already seen it so many times in just a short time.

I have received cards and calls and texts and gifts and food and emails (hundreds of emails!) I have the BEST team behind me. Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me. Your love overwhelms me and sustains me.

-lightningbug