We May Not Know What The Future Holds...

Wow, what a couple of weeks!

The ups, the downs, the fear, the blessings…just wow.

Today is March 17. February 17 is when I had my biopsy. Just a month ago—my whole world was completely picked up and shaken in those four short (the longest of my life) weeks.

I never want to feel the way I did those first couple of weeks. I never want anybody to feel like that. My heart has never ached so much in my entire life than it did during that time. The brain is the most incredible organ. It can alter so much. It certainly wasn’t working in my favor those first couple of weeks. My heart kept telling me that God was in control and that this is all part of my purpose and something good WILL come from this, but I had such trouble seeing that for all the fear! Stupid, ugly, horrible, gut-wrenching fear! Boy, can it ever grab a hold of you and dig its nails in!

People keep telling me how strong I am and how positive I am and how I have such faith—I say hogwash! I have failed so miserably with all of that! As my kids have grown, my life has sped up to rocket speed and I put God somewhere behind baseball, getting the laundry done and organizing my boots by height and color. God hasn’t been first in my life lately. But the wild part is that he hasn't put me on the back-burner. He was with me when I got that cancer call, he was with me when I was in the bathroom floor crying, he was with me at that MRI and that bone scan and everywhere else I have been and everywhere else I am going.  He was the first person I cried out to and He could’ve so easily said, “Pssht. Nice try sista. You only called because you needed something” and sent me straight to voicemail. But He didn’t. He sent His love to me in a hundred different ways. He has put hundreds of people in my path to love me and reassure me and hold me up. He has put His stamp on everything that has come my way.

When March rolled around, I picked up an Upper Room devotional book from the church. I always get one but I haven’t read it for a while now. I didn’t have time of course—I mean between a part time job and three busy kids and my Netflix addiction—you can see how there just wasn’t time.  I started reading it again and it has become something that my kids and I look forward to every night. THAT’S something I am proud of. Everything I read from there seems to be tailor-made for me and here are just a few examples:

March 1—“Do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” –Isaiah 41:10

 March 3—“Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.”—Philippians 4:6

March 7—“Jesus said, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.”—Matthew 11:28

March 8—“Why my soul are you so downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.”-Psalm 43:5

March 13—“I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”—Jeremiah 29:11

March 14—“My attitude and actions affect whether I experience God’s blessings flowing freely or as a trickle.”-William George Gosling

March 15—“Dear God, when we want to be first, show us how we can humbly serve others.”—Lisa Bartlet

March 17—“The Lord your God will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”—Zephaniah 3:16-17

As most of you know, I had extreme paranoia that my cancer had spread to my bones because of a coincidental lower back thing that I’ve had going on. Worrying about that consumed my every thought. Yesterday I got the call that my bone scan was clear. I had actually rehearsed this in my mind. I had thought about that call coming in. I had thought about how it would feel for that weight to be lifted off of me. I never could imagine how my mind would be able to grasp and react to anything but good news though. When I got that call, I literally fell to my knees and sobbed and thanked God. I have never felt anything like that.

My friends have set up a “meal train.” They have all got together and they are bringing our family dinner every other day for the duration of my chemo (that’s 16 weeks!)  In just a week, the calendar is practically filled up! Every day I receive cards and gifts and so much love and kindness. I can’t explain what it means to me, yet it is also hard! It’s hard to accept help! I read something the other day that has stuck with me though.  If I don’t accept others blessing me, I am robbing not just myself of the blessings, but I am also robbing them of the joy of serving! So I am going to try to really remember that, even when I feel like everybody is making too much of a fuss over me!

And the meal train is just the tip of the iceberg.  My friends and family are amazing! AMAZING! All kinds of awesome things in the works!

Yesterday I had my port put in. It’s in my chest above my good boob and that’s where they will put the chemo through and draw blood and all that good stuff. As usual, the staff was amazing. I don’t know how you medical people do it, but you guys are awesome! My oldest son Riley took me to Roanoke for the procedure. It warmed my heart so much that he did that for me. This is not something you ever want to endure nor do you want your family to have to endure but I love them so much for stepping up and loving me and taking such good care of me.

Riley and I went to the wig shop yesterday morning. Can you just imagine a 17 year old boy sitting in a wig shop watching his mom try on wigs?! Well he did. He rocks. And I have a fabulous wig ordered. You didn’t think this cancer thing was going to make me have bad hair did you?!?!

Tomorrow is a CT scan and an echocardiogram and next week I begin chemotherapy. I am scheduled for eight rounds, every other week and then six weeks of rest and then a bilateral breast mastectomy, possible radiation and reconstruction. I have a long, uphill battle.

I changed the church sign the other day and it says, “We may not know what the future holds, but we know who holds the future.”

True story.

-lightningbug