I waited until I got through the weekend to write. Sometimes
writing is so therapeutic and sometimes it's so hard on my heart that honestly I don’t have it in me. I hope
none of you ever have to experience this. It is the most gut-wrenching thing I
have ever done. Trying to stay positive and not let fear rule my life is
proving to be a full time job.
Friday I went for genetic counseling. Friday I found out
that I am what is know as “triple negative.” If we were drawing straws for
breast cancer, mine would be the short one. Triple negative breast cancer or TNBC accounts for about 20% of all breast cancer. Leave it to me to be
the exception to every rule.
TNBC means that the cancer cells won’t be receptive to drugs
like Tamoxifen and Herceptin (hormone therapy or medications that block
HER2 receptors.) What does that mean? Well, it means that instead of hormone
therapy, treating TNBC involves chemotherapy, radiation, and surgery.
TNBC doesn’t have as great of a prognosis as other types of
breast cancer. The way cancer prognoses are determined are on five year scales.
TNBC had five year survival rates of about 77% versus 93% of other types of
breast cancer according to a 2007 study. TNBC has a greater chance of recurrence.
Also, TNBC is grade 3 which is the most aggressive grade.
I was blood tested for the BRCA gene mutation and those
results should be in next week.
(I explained the BRCA gene in a previous post.)
So that’s the news I had to digest over the weekend.
That doesn’t paint the whole picture yet because that was
just the news from the pathology report and genetic counseling. I will have more of a full picture
after I see the breast surgeon on the 11th.
So as you can imagine, this has not been an easy weekend. I’m
trying so very hard to stay upbeat and positive. It’s who I have always been
and it’s what everybody expects from me. Nobody wants to see Amanda in the
bathroom floor crying. Nobody wants to see Amanda not smiling or laughing.
Amanda doesn’t want to see Amanda like that.
Every single joy seems to have a bitter aftertaste of fear.
Every moment…every activity with my kids or my family or my friends leaves me
wondering how many more of these I will get.
With all of my heart, I hope a
lifetime of them.
I am so tired of crying. I don’t know if my eyes have ever
cried so many tears. And that's saying something because I'm a cry baby! This morning I decided I would run a nice, hot bath and
just soak. I did just that. I sat in that tub of hot water and I tried to let
the weight of the world just wash right off of me. But halfway through, I was
sitting up clutching my knees to my chest and sobbing. I was crying out and
begging for more time—more time to raise and actively love my kids, more time
to make a difference in the world, more time to splash in puddles and scratch puppy
ears and kiss my husband—more time to live. The water was cold when I finally
got out of the tub. Close to an hour must’ve passed while I was in there.
I sat on my bed in my bathrobe and I began to think and cry,
think and cry.
When I was a kid I thought 38 years old was ancient. Now I’m
38 years old and I realize that I have just begun. I am finally starting to
figure out this crazy life and I can’t and I won’t have this stupid [insert
every curse word you can pull out] cancer stealing my life and my joy.
So I stopped crying and I got mad. I got so mad. Smoke may
have possibly been coming out of my ears. I was mad at cancer and I was mad at
myself for letting cancer tear me down. I went downstairs and I got a marker
and I got some paper and I started writing all the reasons that cancer would
not win. And I started writing down scripture that would lift me up and empower
me. And I started walking around my house and I started posting them all over
the house. On the top of my laptop it says, “I’m beating cancer because I still
have things to do on earth!” (write my book) On the front door it says, “I’m
beating cancer because I am strong” along with Joshua 1:9 (I’ve commanded you to be brave and strong,
haven’t I? Don’t be alarmed or terrified, because the Lord your God
is with you wherever you go.”)
I have these posted
all over the house—in the bathroom, in my bedroom, coming down the hallway,
behind the sink when I’m washing dishes—everywhere!
They days and weeks ahead of me are full of unknown and fear
but God’s already up there. I just have to trust.
-lightningbug
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