Haunted House Bravery

The last few days have been so long and exhausting. The support I have received has been overwhelming, to say the least. I have had my nose in my phone or laptop for four straight days because I have SO MANY friends and family who are cheering me on!

And when my friends and family send me a message or bare their soul to me, “thanks” just doesn’t seem quite adequate. It doesn’t even begin to convey what the hugs and prayers and well wishes and the insight have meant to me in the beginning of this journey. I have tried to reply with my heart, but honestly, there isn't enough time in the day. I will eventaully get back to each of you though! I promise!

I have cancer. That still creeps me out to say, so when it creeps you guys out to think about it, don’t worry! I’m totally right there with you!  Nothing else has changed about me though. I am still going to sit in the bleachers with you and laugh about everything under the sun and I’m still going to cuss because I still cuss and I’m still going to drink like 14 cups of coffee a day. I'm still just me.

You can talk to me openly and honest about my cancer or how that girl at the fair last night could’ve really benefitted from a hot oil treatment. We can take it either way. Everybody (including my kids) knows I have cancer now. That’s the way it had to be because that’s how I roll. So you don’t have to worry that you are saying something wrong or something that you shouldn’t. I almost posted a pic of the enormously disgusting bruise on my boob from the biopsy the other day. THAT’S how open I want to be with you. In a year or two, some young woman will get that horrible news that I did on Friday, but she won’t have all of the support that I do, and she will feel alone and hopeless and she is going to stumble on this blog and she is going to laugh and cry but she is going to walk away with hope and know she is not alone.

There’s no rule book that comes along with this. You can say what you feel comfortable with saying. If hugging me and saying you love me and you are praying for me and asking me about my upcoming doctor’s appointments is what you want to do, then do that; if asking me about my son’s upcoming baseball season is what you want to do, then do that. I have cancer, not cooties, so don’t be afraid to treat me just like you did last week before you knew. Yes, I need support and yes I love hugs and yes I love that! Someone hugged me over the weekend and said, “I know you’re probably getting sick of this…” NOOOO! Never would I ever get sick of that! And in five years when I’m completely healthy and even more fabulous that I can possibly imagine, you better still hug me and say, “Man, we kicked that cancer’s ass.”

Because love and support doesn’t have to be confined to hardship.

Everybody keeps telling me how brave and strong I am. I’m really not brave or strong. Yes I have a positive attitude because that’s just who I am, but I’m not brave and strong. My friends and family are brave and strong and I draw my strength and bravery from them.

We were at a haunted house last Halloween and I hadn’t been to a haunted house since I was a kid. My husband said, “You just have to be scarier than they are.” So he would come around the corners and he would scare the ghosts and the bloody zombies before they could scare us and we did more laughing than being scared.

That’s kind of how I feel about all of this. I’m not sure I’m actually brave or strong, but I plan on creeping around the corners and scaring the hell out of cancer before it can scare me.

Yesterday morning I got the call with my first two appointments. I have my MRI on March 9^th and I see my doctor on March 11^th. That was the week that I was supposed to go to Baltimore. My husband had training for work and I was going to tag along and spend my days in the hotel room in my bathrobe binge watching Netflix while he was at class and then we would have the evenings to hang out at the Inner Harbor (one of my absolute favorite places.) In our almost 18 years of marriage, we have gone away without kids once. This would’ve made twice. Instead, of Maryland crab cakes and relaxation, I will be in an MRI capsule and then discussing how to proceed with cancer treatment.

And yes, that sucks. And yes, I’m a little bitter. And cancer better be glad that it’s not baseball season and the Orioles weren’t in town or things could’ve gotten really ugly, really quickly.

Yesterday afternoon I got another call from Roanoke and this time it was to set up my appointment for genetic testing. Who knew? So I go this Friday for genetic testing.

And somebody will read this who doesn’t know that I am adopted. Yes, I am adopted. I found my biological family in 2013. Not only did finding my biological family give me a second, incredible family and support system, but it also gave me my family history. I know that I have an aunt who had breast cancer pre-menopausal (age 46.) I will be tested to see if I have a gene mutation that makes me more susceptible to breast and ovarian cancer. This testing also will reveal how the cancer is fed.

From brestcancer.org:  Breast cancers in women with BRCA1 abnormalities are more likely to be estrogen-receptor-negative — meaning that the cancer’s growth is not fueled by the hormone estrogen — and to have “high-grade” cell growth. Both of these characteristics mean that chemotherapy will be more effective than hormonal (anti-estrogen) therapy in treating these cancers.
BRCA1- and BRCA2-related cancers often test negative for overexpression of the gene known as HER2/neu. This genetic abnormality is not inherited, as BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutations are, but can develop in women over time. When the HER2 gene is overexpressed, the cancer cells have too many HER2 receptors (human epidermal growth factor receptor). HER2 receptors receive signals that stimulate the growth of breast cancer cells. HER2-positive breast cancer is considered to be a more aggressive form of the disease, but it can be treated with Herceptin (chemical name: trastuzumab), a medication that targets HER2. Most BRCA1- and BRCA2-related cancers cannot be treated with Herceptin because they are HER2-negative.

If you’re like me, you probably zoned out halfway through reading that like a college freshman in a biology class, but basically through this testing, they will be able to tell if I have the genetic mutation and they will also be able to tell what treatment will be most effective.

www.breastcancer.org is a super great and informative website. I have done way more research there than I ever imagined I would.

This week, several breast cancer survivors have stepped up and contacted me. I am a writer and I can’t even express what that has meant to me. All of my friends and family have shown me the most immense love—but to have people who have lived this hell to talk to you and walk you through the dark valleys—that is more than I can describe. 

-lightningbug