Meet Brownie...

Meet Brownie.

He came into my life about 35 years ago. He has been through just about everything imaginable with me. Check out his eyebrows and his nose and his eyes and the wear and tear around his old mouth. He is showing his age. My Momaw sewed his eyebrows and his nose back on more than once.

I was downstairs in Leggett on Main Street with my mom when I was only about four years old. I actually remember this. I can almost see how the store was set up. Isn’t it funny what we remember? This little brown dog was sitting on top of a rack of children’s clothing. I fell in love with him. I can’t remember if my mom bought him for me or if we ended up going back after him on a subsequent trip, but Brownie came home with me. I wanted a real puppy from the time I can remember but I got Brownie until I was old enough for a real puppy.

Brownie was my buddy. I am an only child, so loneliness was something I struggled with. I had lots of neighborhood friends to play with and was socialized well, but it’s still not the same as having a sibling in the house. Brownie was my playmate when I was young and as the years progressed, Brownie developed a different persona.

My dad and I have always been really close. We may have a lot of differences, but I would say our hearts are the same. I was a very shy child—an introvert. I bottled a lot of things up and it has always been like pulling teeth to get things out of me. I would say I still have many of the same attributes. I have turned to writing for as long as I can remember because that’s the easiest way for me to get my feelings and thoughts to make sense.

My mom and dad fought a lot when I was growing up. I’m not writing tonight to blast my parents. It’s just a reality. They’re divorced now and should’ve done it way before they did, but life is tough and you do the best you can and when you know better, you do better. My mom and dad fighting was just one of the many childhood stressors—we all had stressors of some sort. When I would get all tucked in for bed, my dad would come in and sit on the edge of the bed and say prayers and he would make Brownie “talk.” And he used his voice but made it a super high pitched voiced and Brownie would talk to me about things that might be bothering me. Brownie has talked to me about my parents, broken hearts, girl drama, and a million other things that I can't even remember. What I remember is that I could talk to Brownie about things and open up when I couldn’t talk to anyone else. It was genius parenting and I have no idea where my dad learned that or if it was a complete fluke. Regardless, it worked.

Papi and I have been spending a lot of time together this week. He is really trying to take care of his mom. Tonight he made me popcorn and apple juice—my favorite lately. He has become really protective of me. Tonight he went to his room and got Brownie. (I passed Brownie down to him a few years ago.) Brownie did a lot of whispering in my ear tonight. He told me to tell Papi that he is doing a wonderful job of caring for his mom. He told me to tell Papi that he doesn’t have to worry about mom because she is going to be just fine.

And just like that…Brownie…a little stuffed dog is once again bringing love and comfort. I have no idea what my mom paid for that little brown down in Leggett but I assure you that it was worth every penny.

-lightningbug

Morning Musings...

Saturday, June 4, 2016. 

I had chemo last Tuesday. The chemo I am taking now is called Taxol. It’s supposed to be easier than the first four rounds and I guess maybe it is in some ways. Taxol has its own set of challenges, however. You’ll remember last time I told you about my intense muscle and joint pain. My oncologist said he was afraid I might experience that and he seems to see it more with younger women. He felt that the second one wouldn’t be as bad. And so far the second one hasn’t been as bad but when I hear “I don’t think this one will be as bad” I actually hear “I think you will feel so great that you will be able to go out and jump hurdles!” Not exactly what he meant apparently. Last night it started to hit me and today it has continued to hit me. I ached from about 3 am up until I got out of bed at 7. I ran a hot bath and put some muscle soaking salt in there and hopefully it will help. In addition to my legs aching, I also am getting these shooting pains in my head. That’s always fun. Sigh. As if it’s not enough to have cancer, then you get to think you’re also having an aneurysm! Ah. Good times! I hate not being able to get up and do what I want. It’s definitely frustrating. I know I will feel better by Tuesday if I can make it through these next couple of days—it’s just getting through the yucky days.

The other thing that is annoying these days is my tasters are completely off. I have no appetite. You have to eat when you have cancer because you need your nutrients and your strength yet I want nothing right now. Get this. I haven’t even drank coffee for three days. I have been drinking apple juice because it tastes good to me. That is just plain insanity right there! And I’m hungry! I sit around and think hmm, wonder what I could eat that would taste good to me? Last week it was watermelon. I had an ice cream cone yesterday and even that didn’t taste good to me. It’s frustrating. I can’t wait to taste again. I love food and coffee and doughnuts—you know I haven’t had a doughnut in probably two months? That’s just crazy talk! 

Safe to say I'm pretty sick of having cancer. I’m just over it. It sucks. And then I feel guilty because I think of all the people who have an illness that won’t ever be over—it will be a constant fight forever. Rest assured my fight is not all sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes I have dark clouds and thunder just like everybody else. I just try not to let it stick around very long.

I am having some neuropathy—my fingertips are numb and tingly. I had this after the last treatment but it went away before I took the second treatment. And I am so tired. I worked Thursday and I came home and I went to bed at 5pm. I was just absolutely zonked. That usually seems to get better by Tuesday so that gives me a week of feeling decent before it’s time to go back. The good news is I only have to go back two more times! My next chemo is on my 39^th birthday! They offered to reschedule it but the truth is that knocking out one more chemo is the best birthday present I can get. After that one I will only have ONE MORE!!!

I think I have explained the process, but several have asked so maybe I haven’t. After I finish my chemo (last week in June), I will rest for a period of four to six weeks. That just pretty much gives my body time to chill out and get ready for another hit. I will go back to see my breast surgeon after I finish chemo and she will check things out and then get things rolling to set up my surgery (should be August.) The surgery will be done with my breast surgeon and my plastic surgeon and will be about a four hour surgery.  I am having a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. What does that mean? Both boobs are going adios and they are putting in a balloon like device behind the muscle that they can access to fill with a salt water solution every week or two. That will allow everything to stretch over time and then in about three months after that surgery, I will have another surgery to remove the balloon device and have silicone implants inserted. There’s a chance more surgeries will be required but I am being optimistic that everything will go great.

The surgery in August will be the hardest part of all of this. I will be out of commission for a couple of weeks and knocked out on some strong pain meds. I don’t look forward to that because I am a bit of a control freak and I have NO IDEA how life will POSSIBLY go on without me for two weeks (think highly of yourself much, Amanda??) Gotta do what you gotta do I suppose.

Now that I have told you how I’m feeling and what the next few months hold, I have to tell you about the FUN upcoming stuff! And there is all kinds of fun stuff!

Our baseball team has a tournament in Myrtle Beach in July! I wasn’t sure I would be able to go after my diagnosis, but I should be good to go! I'm so excited! Rest and relaxation, salty air and sunshine = best medicine for Amanda. Anybody who knows me knows that is my 100% happy place.

The Battn’ for Boobies Softball tournament that my friends have organized will be July 23 at Jackson River Sports Complex (get registered if you haven’t!) It's way more than just a softball tournament so even if that isn't your thing, be sure to come down and hang out with us!  

The Covington Lumberjacks are having a breast cancer awareness night on July 26! Be sure to come out for that!

And last but not least, I am having a Bye Bye Boobies party at The Rail on Friday, July 29. I have had the most AMAZING SUPPORT throughout this journey and this is my chance to say thank you to everyone. Be sure to come to The Rail and bid my boobs a fond farewell…a Boob Voyage…Ta-Ta to the Ta-tas. More to come on that later!

If I could only figure out how to bottle up the support that this community has shown me, I would give it to every person who is battling cancer. You all have done more for me than I can ever express.

-lightningbug

Everybody needs a Waylon in their life...

Last weekend we had our annual Memorial Day Crushers’ baseball tournament in Richmond. I wish I could tell another story like I did about our tournament last year when we came from behind on Saturday and won the thing on Sunday Click here to read that story but unfortunately it just wasn’t in the cards. We lost the first game on Saturday, won the second, lost the first on Sunday and then won the second. We didn’t hit the ball…it just wasn’t our best or favorite tournament. Better Crushers days ahead!

During the first game, I sat out in the grass behind centerfield with my friend Melody.

Sorry, I can't say centerfield without listening to this song! Enjoy!

I’m more sensitive to sun right now, so for that game I watched from out there under some shady pine trees. While we were sitting out there, Melody told me a story about their trip to King’s Dominion. (Several of the Crushers and families hit King’s Dominion on Friday before the tournament.) My kids went but Kevin and I stayed behind—I knew I wasn’t up to all that walking with my fatigue right now and I wasn’t sure how much I wanted to tempt fate getting on the Dropzone. I am already beating one thing that’s trying to kill me, I probably ought to stick with one thing at a time.

Well Mel told me that they got on the Flight of Fear coaster. She was riding with her son Eli and one of our kid’s dads was riding behind them. Eli was scared to death and Mel was trying to ease his fears by doing what most people would do…in that watchful mom voice she told him it was going to be just fine and she was right there and he was safe and yet he still was scared to death. Well Waylon (Campbell) must’ve heard what was going on and after the thing took off, he raised up his hands and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Wooooo Hooooo Eli! Isn’t this GREAT? This is so much fun!”  Well lo and behold if Eli didn’t become fueled by Waylon’s excitement and optimism and he must’ve thought hmm…maybe this is fun after all…and from that point on it was all smiles.  Melody couldn’t believe it.

As soon as she told me that story I told her that I had to write about it. That story immediately reminded me of life. How many times in life do we face scary things…unknown things…things that we aren’t sure whether we want to try because it’s a leap of faith or things we have to do because we have no choice? 

When I made my note to tell this story, the text I sent myself was “Everybody needs a Waylon in their life.” Everybody needs someone that can recognize when you are fearful or struggling and then stand next to you, throw their hands up in the air and scream “Isn’t this great?! Isn’t this fun?" Do you know I have fun when I go to chemo? True story. There hasn't been one single time that I haven't laughed and smiled and made someone else laugh or smile. Chemo isn't fun, cancer isn't fun but in all things, we have an opportunity to make the best of the hands we are dealt.

If you don’t have a Waylon in your life, then maybe you could start being a Waylon. If you see someone struggling…throw your hands up in the air and holler “Isn’t this great!”

I have learned so much throughout my journey over the last four months. I have so many people standing with me fighting this battle and so many of them are very similar to Waylon. No, nobody is hollering exactly, “Isn’t this great” as I’m going through this but rather, they are saying “We got this!”  

I went down to the ballpark last night to pick up Papi (he was watching a ballgame with Waylon and Kelly and the rest of the gang!) This is probably the first time I have been among so many people in one place that I know since I was diagnosed. And I didn’t have my wig on or a hat or anything else. I just had my sparse blonde spikes which I am rocking a lot more now since it has warmed up. I don’t always feel confident when I’m out in public without something on my head. I know strangers sometimes glance a little too long and I would be lying if I said that didn’t make me feel a little weird sometimes.

There are strangers...and then there are my friends. I walked in that ballpark and my friends made me feel like a rockstar! You would’ve thought I got out of limo at the sidewalk instead of the 1996 Honda. So many people ran up to me and hugged me and told me how great I look and told me how I was kicking ass and told me that they would never in a million years know that I had chemo just a couple hours ago if they didn’t know! And as I looked around, I saw pink Team Amanda bracelets everywhere I looked. All I could think as I looked around is although you all didn’t literally have your arms up in the air hollering “Isn’t this great”, by supporting me in the way you do, you have lessened my fears and anxiety in ways you may never understand.

Through this journey I have had so much support from friends and family, from people who do not even know me, from ladies who have gone through this and have helped and encouraged me, from my nursing staff, from schools, ball teams and churches. You all are being Waylons. You turn my fear and anxiety into excitement and hope. You turn my bad days into good days.

I have two more chemos! TWO MORE! Can y’all even believe it?!

#wegotthis

-lightningbug