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March 27, 2014

It’s the day after we buried my grandma.  We had a beautiful service that celebrated her life and I cried and smiled and laughed and cried.  

Today the sun is shining magnificently and life goes on.  Or that’s what I thought anyway.  I told my dad yesterday evening that I was hoping my cousins would’ve been able to make it to the funeral.  He said they probably had to work.  When dad got home he called me.  He had looked through the book and found my cousin and his wife’s name.

I sent a text to his mom this morning and told her that I didn’t see them there and please thank them for coming and tell him I love him. 

She replied that he was taking it real hard.

Then the flood of memories began…fun times we had together as kids, our rebellious streak as teens...cousin stuff.  And then I thought about how much Momaw loved him and all the kids in the family.  Everybody. 

I remember sitting in that same place as we said goodbye to his Momaw (my Momaw’s baby sister) just a few years ago.  

Life was so much simpler 20 years ago when our biggest concern was not getting arrested for racing on the four lane.  

The only thing that stays the same is everything changes, everything changes.

Time marches on. –Tracy Lawrence 

She loved

March 17, 2014

This week has been stressful.  Who am I kidding?  This year has been stressful.  Papaw died last February and we brought Momaw back to Covington.  We had tried for years to get Momaw & Papaw to sell their house on Mossy and come to Covington so we could look after them better.  That would’ve never made them happy though.  Their hearts were on the banks of Paint Creek…always had been.  And in our hearts, we knew that and never truly pressed the issue.  Momaw has continued to be solid in her mind throughout the last year.  This week she has been down with pneumonia and a kidney infection and she has been seeing Papaw and talking and dreaming and talking in her sleep.  It comforts me that she’s “back home” in her dreams.  It comforts me that her life was one of love that her subconscious returns there to comfort her.  Yesterday she was talking about it raining and the creek being up and the trees blowing down on the creek bank.  It’s sad to see those we love struggling with reality but it’s also comforting to know they are in that happy place.  

Yesterday Momaw’s nieces came to visit from West Virginia.  They are special nieces.  And their brother is a special nephew.  Their mother (Momaw’s sister) died when they were young.  Momaw served as a mother figure to them, so it’s a deeper bond than just an aunt.  Not only did Momaw serve as a mother figure to them, but Momaw’s own mother died when she was only 13 years old.  She has told me stories of her daddy working in the coal mines on the night shift.  Her younger sister used to have bad earaches and would scream and cry with her ears.  Momaw said there would be so many times when her daddy would come in from the mines and she would be awake and rocking her baby sister in the rocking chair in the living room to soothe her.  She had to grow up so fast. 

Losing parents, grandparents, aunts…that’s the way life is supposed to happen I suppose.  They are supposed to go on before us.  That doesn’t really make it any easier though.  Momaw is 93 and she’s had an amazing life.  Not wealth measured by a bank account, but by a much deeper kind.  She has said to me over the past year on many different occasions, “If Perry (Papaw) would’ve only known how things would turn out, he wouldn’t have left me.”  And the truth is, if he had any control of that, he wouldn’t have.  When Momaw’s time is up, they can surely write “broken heart” on her cause of death. 

She has expressed to me over the last year how she feels like a burden…how she wishes God would just go ahead and take her.  None of us want to see her suffer.  We know she’s ready to go.  She’s worn out.  She’s ready to go home.  I ache to think of her not being with us.  It hurts me to my core.  She was very much like a mother to me.  I have learned so many things from her.  Last week I felt like I had been punched in the gut when I thought I was losing her.  I became absolutely frantic.  There are still things I want to know.  I want to know how she made that amazing country fried steak and gravy.  I want to know what she would’ve done if she would’ve had a chance to go out in the world and do something for herself.  I want to know how she played some of the rotten cards she was dealt in life with complete grace and without becoming bitter.  I want to know how she always is able to think of others over herself.  I don’t know if I’m going to get a chance to ask her and I don’t know if I can even say the words to her if I do get a chance. 

She was ready to leave this earth the day Papaw left us.  She doesn’t understand why she is still here.  I told my cousins (her nieces) yesterday that what she doesn’t understand is that she is still serving a purpose on this earth.  She thinks she has nothing left to give.  She thinks she is (and has been) a burden…she doesn’t understand all of the people’s lives she has touched in the last year.  She has no idea.  She doesn’t know that I talk about her incessantly.  She doesn’t realize that people who don’t even know her have been touched by her.  She doesn’t know how she has touched her caregivers and those who have come in to bless her and leave blessed. 

This song by Jeff & Sheri Easter has played in my mind this week

Someone once asked

If only you knew
How short life would be
What would you do?
What would they say
When God called you home?
What would they engrave
Once you were gone?

I hope they would see
What I've done in my life
Who I've cared for
And how I survived
I hope they'd say

She loved more than anything else
She loved with all of her heart
She loved everyone she believed in
She loved...oh she loved

She loved the Lord
And served all her life
A sacrificial mother
And an honorable wife
She gave all she had
And through every trial
Made life much sweeter
Because of her smile

Everyone will see
What she's done in her life
Who she cared for
And how she survived
I'm sure they'd say

She loved more than anything else
She loved with all of her heart
She loved everyone she believed in
She loved...oh she loved

And indeed she did.

Click here for "She Loved" video

March 22, 2014

10 am

I was supposed to be cleaning the basement this morning.  I’m trying to carve out a workout room.  I need somewhere to go when I’m not eating doughnuts.  I’m trying to declutter and I ran across a box that I have been avoiding going through for a year.  It had old records and 8 track tapes that belonged to my grandparents and I didn’t want to toss them if they were worth anything, so I’ve just had them in a box in the basement for a year avoiding them.  I opened it up today and found pictures under the records.  And I found things like DARE graduation programs and All Star programs that my dad had mailed to them over the years.  Instead of cleaning my basement, I made a much bigger mess and went through all of those things.

My dad called.  Every day this week I have expected that dreaded call that Momaw has been called home.  Thankfully he was just checking to see if Riley and I were feeling ok—Riley was sick Friday and I thought I was getting it yesterday.  I was relieved to learn that was all the call was about and hopped in the shower.

11 am

Dad called again.  My heart sank.  I knew what it was before I even picked up the phone.

Momaw is soaring with the angels now and I’m somewhere in the middle of a completely shattered heart and at peace knowing that she is having one heck of reunion with her family and the rest of the saints.

She hung on for one year and one month from the time she lost Papaw.  I have talked to so many people who have been touched by her in just the last year.  Her nurse, who has become so dear to all of us, prayed with her this morning and she passed away 15 minutes later.  The Hospice worker told Dad that she had told one of the staff to go read Psalm 42 (still caring for others even at the very end.)  Her life was one of purpose and dedication and selflessness and I’m honored to have had her in my life for almost 37 years.  

I wish all of you all could’ve met her, but I hope through something I have told you about her or a picture you have seen, that you felt her beautiful spirit, even if you didn’t have the pleasure of meeting her. 

And p.s.  I asked her this week how to make gravy and she looked at me like I head three heads and exclaimed, “You mean you can’t make gravy???!”

Forsythias & Roses

March 14, 2014

Today is the one year anniversary of finding my birth mother.  I kept notes along the way and thought I'd share a few of those today.  The last year has been an incredible journey full of amazing discoveries and amazing rediscoveries.  

"Adoption carries the added dimension of connection not only to your own tribe but beyond, widening the scope of what constitutes love, ties, and family. It is the larger embrace."-Isabella Rossellini

1-4-13

I filled out the necessary forms that will be submitted to the Virginia Department of Social Services.  I don’t know if these forms ever existed when I began my search in 1996.  I have my information in a folder up in the attic.  I’m going to go up there this afternoon and see what I can find.  I think I remember sending a letter to the Covington DSS basically saying that I give my consent to be placed in connection with my birthparents if they ever came looking for me.  I actually think I typed that on a..wait for it…typewriter.  The internet was just coming into play in 1996.  Records weren’t kept in databases and there certainly weren’t any online search engines for reuniting adoptees and birth families.  

I also sent a letter to the Virginia Department of Vital Statistics under the exaggerated fabrication of “I’m doing a genealogical study” and looking for original birth information. 

1-5-13

I have so many questions.  Thirty-five years gives you a plethora of quiet opportunities to imagine what the circumstances of your life that you don’t know might entail.  I’m trying not to set expectations.  I know all of this could lead to an unhappy ending.  What if my parents aren't even alive?  What if they are never located?  What do I expect?  How can you NOT want the fairy tale ending, no matter how much you tell yourself not to set any expectations?  And what are these impossible expectations that I won’t set anyway?  If I could imagine who my birth parents are, what would that even be?  I’ve never even allowed myself to imagine a father.  I’ve imagined a mother at different times in my life.  I was in a jewelry store in Bluefield, WV one time and I saw a woman who immediately struck me as someone who looked like me.  That was the first time in my life that I had encountered someone who I thought looked like me and that was the first time I let my mind travel to the possibility that there is somebody out there who I might look like…

1-13-13

“The truth is what you live through while you're looking for the truth.” ~Marty Rubin

1-15-13

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear,
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I marked the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I,
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference. 

-Robert Frost

 Always been a favorite poem of mine.  Today I claim it for myself.

1-16-13

Home for a Bunny(a Little Golden Book):

Despite my desperate search for biological parents, I was put where I was meant to be. God puts us where we need to be and that's one of the things I'm learning throughout this journey.

And I never realized in all my 35 years of having that story read to me and reading it to my own kids...I never realized it as anything more than a bunny trying to find a home with other bunnies. Last night I saw it for the first time as a child searching to find acceptance and "likeness"--a good fit--a family. 

2-7-13

Settle down

It'll all be clear

Don't pay no mind to the demons

They fill you with fear

The trouble it might drag you down

You get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone...

-Phillip Phillips

2-15-13

I was downstairs putting the laundry in and thinking about everything.
Roots.  I was thinking about what my adoption did to my "roots." I was thinking about how basically when I was born and taken away and given to somebody else how it was like severing the roots of a plant--and I was thinking about how after you do that, that the plant doesn't grow and thrive. It eventually dies.

Then I thought about the forsythia--my absolute favorite thing to see in spring. My daddy had beautiful yellow forsythias all down one side of our yard.
Do you know that you can literally cut a twig or a branch from a forsythia and stick it in the ground and it will grow...even without roots. And then it forms its own roots. 

I just thought that was kinda cool  I'm a forsythia.

3-13-13

The war you feel within - that restlessness, the unending uncertainty - is not to be dismissed, avoided, hated. That internal conflict is not dark, it is a beaming light trying to focus you, the rolling thunderous call of courage, the rays of greatness seeking to explode beyond your skin to touch once more the Spirit of Possibility.

-Brendon Burchard

3-14-13

I was in the beauty shop getting my hair done. I looked down at my phone and saw where I had a missed call from a number I didn’t recognize. There was a voicemail, so as I was sitting in the beauty shop chair, I dialed my voicemail and it was Social Services and asked me to call back. I called her back but she was in a meeting. You can imagine how long that next couple of hours seemed to me. I called her back around 2 pm and she asked if I was sitting down. She told me that she had found my birth mother. She said that my birth mother most definitely wanted to be contacted and gave me her phone number. That’s when she proceeded to tell me that she lived in Wasilla, Alaska! I just shook my head and thought…of COURSE she lives in Alaska.  *rolls eyes*

Social worker told me that I needed to be aware of the time differences in Alaska. When it’s 9 pm here, it’s 5 pm there. They are 4 hours behind us, so it makes for tricky communication.

"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage. Just literally twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."~We Bought a Zoo

At 10 pm, I went downstairs and I dialed part of the numbers and I hung up.  And again and again for probably 30 minutes until I finally got up the courage to let it ring.  And I have never been so scared in my entire life. What on earth do you say to someone when you call them up after finding out they are your long, lost birth mother? She answered the phone and said “Hello, This is Rose.”   I said, “Hi Rose. This is Amanda Griffith. I think maybe you were expecting a call from me.” She was in complete disbelief. I said “This is the most awkward, scariest, most exciting thing I’ve ever done in my life” and she agreed. She was so happy to hear my voice. She had to put me on speakerphone so her husband could hear my voice. Emotions ran high. After that first awkward moment, we talked like we had known each other forever. She asked me what color my eyes were. She has blue eyes. My eyes are green. She asked if I had red hair. 0 for 2. Ha! I told her I was tall, long legs and she said she was too.  Things that normal mother and daughter know about each other from early on, we were just starting to discover. 

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3-14-13

Me

To roseloveshair@hotmail.com

Mar 14, 2013

I wrote this a few years ago on Mother's Day eve...Mother's Day has always been bittersweet for me.  I always hoped one day you'd get to read it.

Happy Mother’s Day from the adopted child…

I do not know you

Have you seen me?
In a crowd of people
Would we be able to see

That we are connected
In some cosmic way
By something we would do
Or something that we would say?

How old are you?
Are you even still alive?
Maybe you are fifty
Or maybe fifty-five?

Is your hair dark as coal
Or maybe laced with gray?
Do you remember back thirty-three
Years ago this day?

The only Mother’s Day
You would ever share with me
For you must have loved me so,
Because you set me free.

You carried me inside of you--
Nine short months is all we had.
With every kick and wiggle
Were you happy or were you sad?

I know not the reasons
You had to let me go
I am not certain
If I will ever know.

Do you think of me today
As I think of you?
Do you wonder where I am
Do you wonder what I do?

Do we look like one another
Do our voices sounds the same?
I wonder if you even know
That Amanda is my name?

Amanda means loveable
And rightly named was I,
For I love with my whole heart
And when it breaks I cry.

Do you have squinty eyes
When a smile glistens your face?
Is your life blessed with laughter
Or is that really not the case?

Is my Grandma still alive?
And what about my Dad?
Do I have brothers and sisters?
I want to know so bad.

I was raised by two people
Who thought I hung the moon,
I was far from perfect though
They would find out soon!

I had my share of rebellion
Got in trouble a time or two,
But all in all I wasn’t bad,
The exceptions were quite few.

I grew up and got married
And had three children of my own,
I wish there would’ve been some way
That I could’ve made that known.

I wish you were around
To talk and just to chat,
To do mom and daughter things--
Paint our nails and stuff like that.

I have love all around me,
But I have never felt quite whole,
I have always wanted to know you
In the deep depths of my soul.

So on this Mother’s Day night,
I will look at the stars above
Blow sweet kisses into the wind,
And send you Mother’s Day love.
~A

~Amanda Griffith

“There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can circumvent or hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul.”~Ella Wheeler Wilcox

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From: roseandarnie

To: amandaandkevingriffith@yahoo.com

Sent: Fri, Mar 15, 2013 14:55:05 GMT+00:00

Subject: Emailing: Family013

Your poem brought me to tears and made me so proud. I don't think there ever was a day that my thoughts about you didn't cross my mind. I cannot wait to get to know you and your family. Your family is beautiful and so are you. Your daughter looks alot like me when I was that age. Emotions here are running at full capacity, as so they should. Take care Amanda and thank you for reconnecting us. Love Rose

----- Original Message -----

From: roseandarnie

To: amandaandkevingriffith@yahoo.com

Sent: Friday, March 15, 2013 5:50 PM

Subject: Happy

I am home from work. Let me tell ya, you never left my thoughts all day. I feel like screaming to the world how HAPPY I am that you have come back into my life. I had an hour break today  so I drove to my girlfriends work to tell her about you. CRY,CRY,CRY,HAPPY,HAPPY,HAPPY.  Love Rose

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Me

To roseandarnie

Mar 15, 2013

Aww :) 

I'm so happy too.  I shared the news with some of my closest friends today and everybody was crying :)  I have held it together pretty good until Tracy told me about how she used to rub cocoa butter on your belly and how you guys have a picture of me!  You are probably the only person who has the picture.  I never remember seeing a picture from the hospital. I am absolutely exhausted tonight.  I think I slept about 3.5 hours last night, so I'm going to get snuggled in.  It's almost midnight here.  What's your favorite color?

Sleep well.

Love, A

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